I got pregnant twice when using birth control, I couldn’t believe how unlucky I felt. I was just turned 18 when I first got pregnant, I fell pregnant when 17 but didn’t find out until after I’d turned 18, it’s weird to look at photos from my 18th birthday and know that I was pregnant in all of them without having a clue. I’d just come out of a 3 year relationship that had turned into a rocky on and off situation and I wanted to prove that I could move on so I slept with a guy I had been talking to, it was uncomfortable and weird and I regretted rushing into it. We had used a condom and I didn’t think about it until I realised that I was two weeks late for my period. My friend talked me in to taking a pregnancy test even though I thought it was silly because that kind of thing only happens in movies right? Except it did happen for me, I took a pregnancy test on New Years Eve and it came back positive and I was in shock, I didn’t think it was real and then I called my friend and was just crying, I had no idea what to do, my parents are very conservative Catholics so I knew that they weren’t an option. I never considered keeping it, it just wasn’t an option for me, I’d just graduated high school and had found out the week before that I had scored guaranteed entry into my course of choice at the University I wanted. I was lucky that I had a friend who’s mum had gotten an abortion and she was really helpful in getting me in contact with the right place to organise my abortion. I opted for the surgical abortion because I was scared of complications from the medical abortion and thought it was more likely that my parents found out if I went with this option. I don’t regret my abortion, I felt a dull kind of emptiness afterwards and some emotional numbness, it took a while to feel like myself afterwards.
My second abortion happened when I was 20, I was taking the pill at the time and was very consistent with it, again I just felt so unlucky, I want to be able to enjoy sex but again I’d gotten pregnant. It was a lot easier the second time around in terms of knowing the process and organising things, I went for the medical abortion this time and it was very intense, I had very bad nausea and cramping, I definitely preferred the surgical option. Again I felt that empty feeling afterwards, I finish my study the middle of next year and knew that I wouldn’t have been able to take care of a baby, I had struggled with depression and anxiety that I am always on and off medication for, I wasn’t able to take care of myself let alone another human being.
I don’t regret my second abortion either, I’ve stopped having sex now because I don’t feel protected, I think I have a bit of trauma associated with it and definitely don’t trust birth control. Sometimes I find myself longing for the child I could’ve had if I didn’t get the second abortion but not for the first. I think because I’m older now I feel like maybe I could’ve made it work if I really tried hard enough. I still want children but sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve to have them because of my abortions. I often think that I want to adopt children and I do want to but I want to experience pregnancy even though I don’t know if I deserve to.
