I grieve every day, but I also realize why it was for the best every day.

by Emily

April 21, 2022

After using natural cycles as birth control for a year I was fairly positive I had the tracking down or I was infertile. I got lazy ONE time with my tracking and ended up pregnant and I knew it that same week but was in denial. Once my period was a full week late I took a test and I had a bright positive staring at me.

I was mixed with fear and happiness but I needed to be rational. The day I found out I had -6 in my bank account. I was working two jobs but had thrown my self into horrible credit card debt and I already felt like I was drowning trying to catch up from my poor money management. My bf was going to support me no matter what I picked but I told him I needed his honest opinion and he said he didn’t feel we were ready to do this right now. It didn’t influence my choice but it helped me be rational about our situation. I wanted the baby, desperately, but I was able to understand it wasn’t JUST a baby. It was a whole human, someone who would need a lot of support to get through this world as a teen and adult. I realized if I tried to start this human off in this world with the situation we were currently in, I’d be setting them up for failure.

I took the pills. I kept the ultrasound picture. I cried for an entire month non-stop and I’m still crying. I made a memorial box and I look at it daily. I’m struggling with a lot of guilt from my choice but it’s been my biggest motivator to make myself better. To excel in my masters program, to work my butt off at my two jobs. Having my abortion was the biggest reality check I could have gotten and it made me more mature and responsible. For the women that really wanted to keep it; it’s okay if you got pregnant at the wrong time, use the experience to make yourself better for yourself; but also for the things you desperately want in your life.

For the women that didn’t want it. Your choice is so valid. None of us are wrong for putting ourselves first no matter the situation.

Remember that our stories are ours to tell. We’d love to hear your story too!