I still find it difficult to share my story as for me it relates to shame (still) and pain. But I really want to. I was reading the stories and experiences of others and it really helped me to feel normal. Or at least it helped me to gain courage and support. I will try to make it detailed as this was something I enjoyed in the stories of others too.
I found myself in an uncomfortable situation a couple of weeks ago. As anyone really during this Covid 19 quarantine! I was staying at my flat in London and my boyfriend moved in for the time being. However there was a lot of tension with my flatmate and this became so stressful. I also felt quite sick and tired during this time and cried nearly every day.
I decided to take the train to Belgium, which is where my parents live. Unfortunately my boyfriend couldn’t come as he’s from New Zealand and was waiting for his renewed visa. Leaving him was really hard because I was unsure of when I’d see him again.
I got home and I felt worse every day. I mean, not sure if everyone experiences symptoms this way but for me it was pretty intense. My boobs hurt so badly and I couldn’t go on runs anymore. I felt somewhat depressed and had cramps all the time. At first I thought this was the virus, because it seemed to take any appearance. As the pain became more intense, I actually decided to go see a gynaecologist as I previously had issues with my ovaries. This was a very odd experience as both the doctor and I were wearing facemasks. I felt physically uncomfortable as I couldn’t connect with the doctor’s expressions and she couldn’t fully read mine.
When she told me I was pregnant, I was shocked but at the same time I felt like I already knew deep down. We weren’t using any real contraception as I had bad experiences before. I also thought I recently had been on my period as I bled for a few days. The doctor told me this was normal! This shocked me most of all because I was always taught that when you bleed you are for sure not pregnant! I want to print this on a poster and hang it all over town! Most of my girlfriends are unaware of this and the ones who I told were shocked. Maybe this sounds stupid but we really should teach girls more openly about this. Bleeding after unprotected sex could still be a sign of pregnancy! Especially because for me this was during my usual period days and at the same intensity!
Anyway, I felt overwhelmed with panic and anxiety. I’m not sure what this was related to exactly but I guess knowing you are carrying life is a lot to take in. I immediately knew I wouldn’t keep the baby and I got information about abortion from the doctor. I called the centre form the car and made an appointment for an initial conversation. I had to call mum too as she was obviously worried. I told her about the pregnancy and she sort of freaked out and was angry. (I’m 24…)
This made it very hard and immediately filled me with shame. My boyfriend reacted supportive, also because I straight away told him I wouldn’t keep it. I didn’t want him to be in a position where he had to advise me. This because I knew he wasn’t ready to be a dad. And I want him to be the dad of children when he’s ready. On another note, we are both struggling financially as we work in hospitality. This made me angry because I hadn’t thought of my job as something stopping me from being a mother.
Even though the decision to have an abortion was clearly the right one for me, it was hard. I want to be a mum so badly and keep a list of baby names on my phone. I dream of having kids and living in NZ with my partner one day.
Especially the time in between finding out and the abortion itself was rough. I knew the baby was growing every day and I felt guilty because it was never going to make it. I was staying with my parents and my mum gave me a hard time at first. (My dad didn’t care much and he said it didn’t matter to him.)
After a few days I couldn’t take the shame anymore and I spoke to my mum about it. My mum is a very spiritual person, just like me but we have different ways of this. I understood her point of view better (although I didn’t approve) and she understood me better. She explained to me I had to believe the baby would come back at a better time in my life and it would be the same soul. So I made an altar in my room and I wrote a letter to the baby. This really helped me to ‘justify’ my decision. Even though I know it shouldn’t be justified as, my body my decision! But I wanted to tend to the baby/soul.
I also had a telephone conversation with a woman from the abortion centre a week before the actual procedure. This is mandatory in Belgium and because of the pandemic it is done through a phone call. I am so lucky because of the healthcare system here it is a free service. I realize this is a privilege and I am so thankful. This also made it easier because there was no discussion needed regarding who would pay for it!
The lady was so nice and we spoke about my feelings, also about contraception and the actual procedure. She told me the abortion pill wasn’t an option now because of the pandemic. I don’t know why but seen both options I think I would have opted for the surgical abortion anyway.
My boyfriend received his new visa the week before my appointment. I called the embassy and every institution which I believed could help me get him here. After a lot of different opinions it seemed like it would be too risky for him to cross the border even though I found his physical presence essential. So he decided to stay in London. This really sucked and made me feel so lonely. I felt very lonely during this whole period because of the quarantine + the lack of community in my home country. I did tell a few girlfriends and they were very supportive and sweet. Although I still believe it really is such a delicate situation and for me I received the most honest support from a friend who went through abortion too.
I want to share more details about my feelings but this already seems quite extensive! So I’ll just go over the day of the abortion.
My appointment was at 4pm and I had been feeling sick and sad all morning. My mum asked if I was nervous and she said it would be over soon. I felt triggered and reacted angrily. I know she was just trying to be supportive.
The drive to the centre was really tense and as I finally relaxed a little we were already there. We arrived and immediately had to sanitize our hands, the nurse also took our temperature and all of this made me feel so uncomfortable.
I was allocated a little room with a bed and two chairs, I decided to have my mum stay in that room with me. The nurse asked to only use the bed if I really had to but preferably not because otherwise they had to sanitize it again. Seriously these pandemic measures!
I had a little chat with the nurse who was going to be in the procedure room with me. She said it’s always better to have the same person as support during the whole time there. During the chat she sort of convinced me to have a copper IUD inserted after the surgery. I was already leaning towards trying this but she convinced me to do it there as I would be sedated. Normally a gynaecologist wouldn’t sedate you for this. We had a good chat during which I cried a lot. She said it’s always better to try and process it during this period as otherwise it can come up at later stages in life.
After the conversation I was called in the doctor’s office for an ultrasound. He said some things but I could barely hear him through his facemask. I was given some medication to soften my womb and get it ready for the procedure.
I had to wait about 45 minutes in my room (on the chair) and then I was called in by the nurse. I had to bring a pad and a pair of underpants. However I have little knowledge of pads as I normally use the menstrual cup and my pad wasn’t approved to the standards. She had to get me another one and I felt a bit embarrassed.
I got on the chair and the nurse talked me through what was about to happen. Normally she would hold your hand and put her other hand on your belly but this wasn’t allowed because of the special measures. I was scared and my legs were shaking. They inserted a few tools and then had to sedate the area with injections I believe. I was feeling faint and can’t remember much. However I remember the pain of the needles, I was told to blow on my hand during the injections but failed as I didn’t understand what she meant in time. Then the vacuuming tube was inserted and this seemed to last so long. I felt bad cramps and was crying through it. I was so happy when it was finally over. The inserting of the IUD was really painless compared to the abortion. I was happy to have it done.
The nurse put on my underwear with the pad and I returned to my room where my mum waited. I was allowed to go home straight away if I felt well enough. I just wanted to leave the building so said I was and put on my clothes.
I actually did feel fine other than dazed and some light cramping. I was told to take the antibiotics they gave me at dinner later that day. During the drive home the cramps got worse and as we got home I jumped out of the car and took some painkillers straight away. I have never experienced any pain like this and it was truly awful. The painkillers didn’t help and I cried in despair. I took a hot water bottle to bed and this helped getting me to sleep. I woke up a few times and felt slightly better.
This was yesterday.
This morning I feel better and the cramps are less. I’m still dazed and slightly confused about what happened. But I’m relieved to not be pregnant anymore and starting my own journey to processing this experience. I don’t think I could ever go through the same procedure again. The overall feeling was ok but thinking about the exact moment really seems like a trauma.
I hope my story helps other people in similar circumstances. I have tried to be as honest as possible. Abortion is such an important part of healthcare and I truly hope that one day everyone can have as easy access to this as I did. I got through it and I believe everyone can as we are truly so brave for making this choice. It’s not easy but I know I am somehow stronger now! Love and light XXX
