I go back and forth about pregnancy. I have really bad anxiety and depression – I’m an only child and I didn’t come from one of those “everyone has 10 kids” types of families. I missed my period last month and knew something was different. My breasts felt like they were going to implode and I felt full constantly (so constipated).

I just moved to a state where abortion of all kinds is legal and it still wasn’t THAT easy to get what I needed. I called around to local ERs to see if they would be able to provide me with the medical abortion pills needed. They could not. I called another urgent care room and they kept providing me with resources to get Plan B. I appreciated the direction but that was obviously not what I needed.

It was a Saturday so my options were limited. I felt like I was being suffocated – I’m very particular about my body and how it feels. My emotions play directly off of that (yes, I’ve always been in therapy).

My body felt like it wasn’t mine and I hated it.

I had all these plans.

None of which involved pregnancy and a baby.

My partner and I do well financially under normal circumstances but currently – they quit their job so we could move and I was randomly laid off at the beginning of February.

We both agree now is not the time.

I know not everyone has someone by their side to get through this. I also know not everyone has the resources we do. (We used AOD* by the way, amazing service). I want you to know no matter how alone it can feel you have support.

I take the medical pill as soon as it arrives, I’m scared. I almost passed out while discussing it on the telecall with AOD but I know it’s still the right thing to do. The process doesn’t sound ideal but it is necessary.

I wish that the people who claim to be “pro-life” could see how this is me being pro, my own life. I don’t have the capacity to love something like a child would need. I don’t have the patience, the time, or the desire at the moment. If you’re in a state where you don’t have access please know you are not alone. There’s a whole network online that wants to help.

*SYA note: Abortion On Demand