I was in a new relationship, we had only been dating less than a few months at the time. I had been taking the same birth control for 7 years with no missed pills, no scares, no reason to doubt it’s efficacy, I missed a “period”/withdrawal bleed, I had been taking my pill without fail and was now staring down at two pink lines after a month of feeling excessively exhausted, constantly hungry, and my boobs were getting bigger and more sore.
The weeks before I tested Roe v Wade was being overturned and I was terrified because of it. It felt personal, because it was. I had convinced myself I was experiencing some sort of hormonal shift like I usually did right before the placebo week of my pills. My boobs were so sore it hurt to touch them and my nipples were so sensitive, something just wasn’t right. I waited until I was alone in my house, very early on a Monday morning, and I tested to confirm what I was already mostly certain was true… and the world turned upside down.
Seven years on the same pill and now I was feeling terrified and alone, betrayed by my own body. My boyfriend was out of town and I didn’t want to tell him until he was with me in person, but he knew something was wrong and called me. I broke down in tears over the phone as he asked me, “You’re pregnant, aren’t you…?”
We talked so much in the week upcoming and he drove me to the clinic to beg for an appointment after finding out through the “online setup” there was no availability for another 6 weeks… six more weeks of pregnancy knowing it wasn’t right, knowing it wasn’t something I could go through with at this point in my life. I pleaded my case, that I felt unsafe in my conservative Christian household, and if my family caught wind of what was happening I wouldn’t be able to terminate and would have to carry to term.
I want children, I do, maybe even with my current partner whom I fell pregnant with… but it wasn’t the right time. I was 21 at the time, in college with no money to my name, mental illness that isn’t nearly under control enough to be a stable for a baby, and an eating disorder that I’m battling to this day.
My due date would have been within the next two weeks… and I’m feeling lost, like I should be having a baby. But I know that’s not true, I know had I had this baby, I wouldn’t have the same opportunity to develop as a person myself. I would never learn who I really am.
I am grateful for the medical practitioners who did my ultrasound, explained medication abortion, and provided my Nexplanon implant. I don’t remember their names, but I do remember the kindness and compassion they showed me, I felt no judgment or shame that day. Only support and understanding. I am grateful for my chance to have a child when I am ready, and grateful I could decide I wasn’t.
I went through my induced miscarriage alone at home, pretending it was a really bad period to my parents whom I still live with. I felt very isolated in my experience and didn’t have many to turn to, now even months later I still have only told very select few people.
My advice to those of you looking for community in these posts: You are not alone, and what you’re experiencing is terrifying but normal. You have the right to decide what happens with your body, and pregnancy is a huge change physiologically and psychologically, don’t let anyone pressure you. If you’re in the middle of a medication abortion, take your pain meds when you’re supposed to, or you may find yourself overwhelmed. Take iron supplements and drink tons of water, and rest you need it.
