I feel guilty

by Ruchi

November 5, 2020

I had an abortion for financial reasons. My husband’s business was not doing well and we didn’t think that my income alone could support the whole family. Every day since then has been a rollercoaster of emotions for me. There are days when I have been unable to get out of bed and have cried constantly. I feel so guilty for what I did and keep wishing to rewind the clock and change my decision. I understand that from a practical point of view, it was the right decision but it still hurts a lot. Plus, I have felt so isolated – I have not been able to talk about it with anyone for fear of judgement and embarrassment. I feel like my husband did not live through this and I alone have been trying to navigate my predicament. Some days the urge to have a second child is so strong, especially when I see my little boy growing up alone without a sibling. I can’t stop blaming my husband for putting me in a position where I had to take that decision. Our marriage is under a lot of strain and I have started resenting everything about my husband. I understand that leaving him is not the right decision for our little boy, but there are days when I can’t stand the sight of him. I always thought he was such a responsible person, but turns out he was just another selfish man who stepped away as soon as the going got tough. I have tried prayer, meditation and yoga to rid myself of this constant guilt, but some days are still so hard. I hope one day I am able to fully accept my decision.

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