I feel cheated.

by Anonymous

June 11, 2019

My story started in 2011. I was madly in love with someone I’d been dating for about about 9 or so months at the time, but it was toxic. There’d he been rumours and reason to believe he’d been cheating with an ex on off, but he always denied when I’d confront him. And I loved him. Blindly. So I chose to believe. Come December, I didn’t feel right. My back was extremely sore just from standing, I was tired, and I had one drink of alcohol and was sick straight away. That never happened. A few days later, I took a test. My best friend and I went to the chemist, brought a test, and I took the test inside a public restroom. The test didn’t seem to work though so I just went home. An hour or so later, I checked the test that I’d left, and it was positive. I didn’t know what to do or think. I asked my bf to come home so we could talk and when I told him, his exact and only words were- ‘well we can’t keep it.’ I don’t remember any more of the conversation after that. All I’ve ever wanted is to be a mum, and before that moment is always thought I was against abortion. But I was so blindly in love I would’ve and did do anything to make him happy. So I went through the process to terminate. I spoke to my dr and booked the appointment. It would be just after New Years. In that time, I looked up reasons as to why not to get an abortion, even reading that it risked your chance of a healthy pregnancy the next time round, and my bf would just say, that’s not true my mum went through the same thing then had me. I would cry. I retreated from my friends. I was so sad on the inside. I told my parents and they did not support my decision, and we didn’t talk until after.. On the day of the appointment, my bf came with me, by this point I was already suffering really bad morning sickness as I was more than a few weeks. So I threw up multiple times while waiting. I remember looking at the pregnant women and kids in the waiting room and having to go outside, and just cry. I didn’t want to go through with it. But my bf never said that I didn’t have to. He just said it would be okay. We had to speak to a nurse, agree to what was about to happen, and we did. Stating that it just wasn’t the right time and we’d try again in the future etc. And then before the actual procedure, my bf left while I waited to go in by myself. I saw another nurse go gave me an ultrasound. And I chose to see the screen. My little bean, about 7 weeks gestation. A picture in my mind that never leaves. After that I was put in the room with the other three girls who were waiting for the same procedure, I heard crying, I heard one woman be strong until the very moment she was to take the tablet that started the process, and then break down..   and then it was my turn. The doctors and nurses were lovely. I came out of the procedure and they were kind and stayed with me until my bf picked me up to go home. After that, the weeks were a daze, as I’d just had the procedure and maybe three weeks later, broke up with my bf, the guy who got me pregnant, and had found out he had been cheating on me the whole time. Including while I was pregnant. Including the time he left the hospital while I had the abortion. It’s nearly eight or so years later and I still feel cheated from making a decision that wasn’t based on truth. I still hurt. He now has kids of his own while I myself, find it hard to trust and move on with my life. I carry a lot of guilt. But this has also made me very understanding and empathetic towards women who have to go through this situation. We all have our reasons for an abortion. It was not an easy decision for me. That’s all I wish people would take from this. We still carry this with us. Everyday.

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