I realized I wanted to have kids. But not like this.
I thought the pill would work. It didn’t. My menstrual cycle is not very regular but I felt something was different this time, not a morning sickness but something. I decided to take the test just the day when it didn’t come. I was living in Prague so the pregnancy tests were all in Czech. Two stripes. I took the second test. Two stripes. I knew, but I still had hope that somehow I had messed up because I couldn’t read the instructions right? I called the guy, he lives in Spain, “are you sure?” He asks, I am but I say I’m not. I tell him if I am pregnant, I’m not going to have it. He is angry but doesn’t mean it, he says God will punish us, I tell myself he just needs time to understand what’s going on, he’s a good guy, red flags.
I get drunk, I laugh at everything because I can’t seem to cry.
I get food poisoning after eating some Czech dip cheese, at the hospital besides the bed with an IV tube on my arm the doctor came up to me and said “Everything is fine, by the way you’re pregnant go see a gynecologist”. I’m 21.
My roommates take me for food after the hospital, they don’t know about the pregnancy. I want to tell them, I want their sympathy and to cry besides the soup. I can’t. For days the tabs in my computer and phone were abortion clinics and emails asking for help but it’s illegal in Prague unless you have a residence permit. I close my computer every time there is someone near.
I get drunk, I get very drunk. Many times. Still could not cry.
He calls me and says we should do it together, I should come to Spain and he would pay, he would be there for me. He loves me. I don’t love him but I’m happy, he got it, he understands. See, he’s is a good guy after all. I will not be alone and I can finally let myself feel when I get to him.
Just stepped out of the plane and he takes me to the back of the airport, he needs a smoke. Looks at me. Says I can’t do it. Says it’s wrong. I don’t have to do it, he loves me, he will take care of everything I just have to give birth. I can live with him, I don’t have to move a finger.
I’m angry, I just traveled half of Europe. Fuck off. After everything he said I’m so dumb. And I still don’t cry.
In the park I think about letting the kid happen to me. But, what about the alcohol I drank trying to forget I was pregnant, what about the stress I’ve been under for a month, what about me Not Wanting It. I realized I wanted to have kids. But not like this. They deserved love. Children deserve to be wanted and Mothers deserve to want. I tell him this. The guy doesn’t seem to understand, “you should be strong, like my mother and have it no matter what, THAT is a strong Woman” I laugh. He will never understand. He will never feel what I feel.
We made the appointment, he doesn’t show up, doesn’t pay. And now they’re pushing me around the clinic. Sign this, read that, stand there, what’s your blood type? Did you use contraception? I text him “Where are you?” and Have you had an abortion before?
“No.” I answered, but now I will have to answer yes.
It’s done. I was alone. I’m relieved and numb.
He calls me ten times, “Where are you? Did you do it?” He finds me in the park. I tell him I don’t want to talk about what happened. It’s none of his business he lost that right.
He says I’m selfish . Then he wants to hug me, insists on me telling him what happened. I tell him if he touches me again I will not hesitate in beating him up. But yes I say. I did it.
He says he can’t love me after what I did at the clinic. What an ******.
I go back to Prague.
I still have not cried.
My friend calls me and asks what’s going on, why have I been weird, why did I go to Madrid.” Are you pregnant?” she finally asks… “Not anymore” . She says I should have gone do it with her in Barcelona. I ask If she would have been ok with it.
She says
It could have been any of us. I love you. You are strong, and stupid, you didn’t have to be alone in this.
So I cried.
