I did a “funeral” to let it go

by Geraldine

August 17, 2022

[In advance, excuse my english – I’m french] I got pregnant a second time, few months after a first different type of abortion : I was pregnant despite a DIU and it was an ectopic pregnancy. I ended up at the hospital because of a strong pain located in my belly and bleeding. In the space of a single night I knew that I was pregnant, that it was not in the right place and damaged my right tube enough to be useless. In the space of just few hours, I knew I was pregnant and got an abortion. I left the hospital feeling like a train had passed over me.

At this moment, I remember that in my misery I was telling myself something : it’s great that I didn’t have to take the choice. Because, despite the fact I was sure I didn’t want to have kids, the choice is always something. It requires courage.

After taking off my DIU, with just one tube and a long distance relationship, I decided to follow my cycles.

But obviously it didn’t work and I got pregnant a second time. And this time, I felt it. This time, I had all the symptoms in the world. I still didn’t want to have children, I was sure about my decision. It was just not the right time for me.

I decided to take the pill to be at home with my partner. My doctor gave me some emergency opium suppositories… God bless her ! I was already the type of girl having heavy periods and cramps, I can handle pain. But this… This is from another world. I felt like someone was ripping off my organs, or maybe just giving birth. Eventually I’ve been able to put a suppository at some point and just passed the whole day half in pain, half stoned. I think without this I would have gone completely crazy. And this pain, I will never forget it.

Everybody thinks that you « just » take a magic pill and eventually it disappears by magic. I lost the « bag » 4 days after while I was taking my shower. I thought it was already gone with all this blood but no. It was pretty traumatizing I must say.  The weeks after have been rough. I was feeling lonely, I gained weight because of the hormones and was feeling like a mess. I felt I didn’t the right to complain, to show my pain, because I took the decision. The truth is, despite I was sure that I took the best decision ever, my body was still feeling the loss. And this loss, how can you process it when it’s taboo and unrecognized ?  One day I decided to go on my own, walking. I started a hike and at the end of it I sat a while on a rock. In front of me I saw a cemetery, really cute and small. I was literally in the middle of nowhere : the answer was in front of my eyes. I cut some flowers and tied them up with a paper with written on it « here lies a soul that was never born, 2020-2020 ». I entered in the cemetery and put the flowers in between two other graves. And I cried, so much. When I got out from it, my heart was different. It was in peace, this is what I needed. Now I recommend to anyone struggling with this weird feeling of having some sadness stuck to do any kind of ritual. For me at least, it liberated me. Today I want to talk about more than ever, because I wish I knew more what is it about. Maybe I would have been less surprised by the pain, maybe I would have been capable to talk more about the sadness I was feeling without feeling ashamed. I’m proud of any woman who has the guts to know and decide what’s best for her and for this new soul that deserve to be truly wanted. And I’m proud to be part of these women.

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