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I chose life, my own.

by hrb

May 9, 2019

Content Warning: self harm

nobody ever thinks it’ll happen to them.. before knowing i would experience it first hand myself i had always been pro choice and always a self advocater that women have rights and their own free will with their body.

i was 17, two months from being 18 when my boyfriend at the time came inside of me without consent and laughed in my face when i asked about it and told him i was not ready to bring another life into this world. he told me that if he did get me pregnant and i had an abortion he would hate me forever and never talk to me again…

a month went by and my period was late and was beginning to feel unlike myself when i decided it was finally time to take a test. i woke up before school on the 15th of january and peed on a stick. i waited and the next thing i knew there were two very solid lines in front of me. i started shaking with fear with my boyfriend’s words imprinted on my brain as i went to show him.. he burst with excited until he saw me crying and got angry with me.

i knew i had to go through with the pregnancy for him or at least that’s what i thought. everyone around me had me so brainwashed and clueless as to what bringing a baby into the world actually meant and made it seem like everything was okay.. i put on a show and acted like this is what i wanted to keep everyone else happy. they were excited and i lived in fear of hurting anyone or losing anyone. i was miserable. i was killing my self. i lost myself.

three months went by and they were the worst months of my life. i continued to hurt myself over and over again this whole time to refrain from hurting anyone else. i didn’t want anyone to think negatively of me. i reach my breaking point. i had no feeling for the fetus inside of me. i barely acknowledged the fact it was there and just played along with everyone else’s happiness. but the day came where i had enough.

i was tired and hurt by living in everyone else’s shadow that i knew it was time to speak up and tell them how i had really been feeling. that i cried myself to sleep at night begging god to take it away and to make it stop. nobody understood. they were only worried about how they felt to take in consideration of how i was feeling. how i had really felt the whole time. they only cared about themselves they forgot to ask what i wanted.

this is not what i wanted. and i told them. everyone’s initial reactions were rash just like you’d expect but i found a few good people on my side. with a little bit of common sense in their brain. i was merely 18, still in school, struggling with my mental health, working a minimum wage job, living under someone else’s roof. my parents are not in the picture and i had no one to help. how could anyone be okay with me having a baby? i know i was not okay with it.

i made my decision. it hurt me to have to hurt anyone but i got over it eventually and was able to follow through. my sister, her boyfriend and my best friend traveled and stayed over night with me 2 hours away for my procedure. it has been three days since and i have been walked all over, called many names including a murderer but i would not take my decision back for the world. nothing anyone says or does could make me regret it.

i chose life that day. i chose my life. i saved my own life that day. and those who chose to look at it otherwise have that choice just like i had mine. when i came to out of anesthesia after my procedure and was actually coherent, everything just felt right in the world. i felt alive for the first time in four months. i felt like i had finally woken up from a never ending nightmare.

to the women reading this and going through something similar, you are strong. this is a strong choice, not a weak one. people are going to talk. people are going to hate. people are not going to understand. but those people don’t matter. you have people who love and support you. you just have to be willing to look past the ones who don’t. do not feel shameful. this is not a shameful act. you overcame something most people would never be able to do in their lifetime. you are amazing. it’s your body, do with it what you want to. it’s your life, live it how you want to. it’s your choice, you chose what you want to. god gave us free will for a reason. do not let anyone take that away from you.

“God forbid you ever had to walk a mile in her shoes, because maybe then you really might know what it’s like to have to choose.”

Remember that our stories are ours to tell. We’d love to hear your story too!