I have had 2 abortions. There was over a decade between them, and my life was at very different places with each.
One night I had a dream that I had a child, it was such a vivid dream. I even saw her grow. It was weird, because I did not want children, so the dream was like “where did that come from?”. Fast forward a couple weeks, my period is late. Only a few days, but it’s never late. I’m on the pill, I take it religiously at noon, I even have an alarm set for it. Saying nothing to my partner, because I’m so sure it’s a fluke, I buy a test and take it before work. Pregnant. The test says I’m pregnant. The day is spent in a panicked haze. My gyno believes that the birth control failed because I was on the same one for so many years. We talk, we worry, we decide to keep the baby.
My child is 7 months old, I am back on the pill. We are strapped, stressed and exhausted. I miss my period. We are already struggling to navigate parenthood and finances. There’s no need to discuss it, we know that this just can’t work. I get an abortion. Took the pills at home, it hurt a little but I felt more comfortable doing it that way.
When my child is 5 I get pregnant again. Our life is in a good spot. We are excited, especially our first born. Life is moving good. I’m 35 at this point. The pregnancy is much harder than my first. Health issues and discomfort. But we make it through. Having a newborn at this age is harder for me. My body doesn’t adjust as easily to the very late nights and constant demands. I develop a panic disorder, hormones and shifting inside wreak havoc on me.
When my youngest is 6 I begin peri menopause. Oh the joys of womanhood (a little sarcastic). And months later feel a shift in my body. Something easy to shrug off, but I know something is different. I take a test. It’s faint, but says pregnant. I call the clinic, it’s too early. I haven’t missed a period, but at this point they are so willy nilly and off track that means nothing. 2 weeks later I am at the clinic, getting my pills and having my abortion at home.
I do not regret either abortion. I never think about them, just like I don’t reminisce about a mole they removed on my arm, or the surgery I had on my ear, or my root canal….I truly never think about it and if I do it because someone brings up abortion and I always think of mine with great relief and gratitude.
