I am in control now

by Nell

November 21, 2019

It has almost been a year since my second abortion. The second experience, has forced me to find clarity within myself so that I can begin to move forward. Everyone’s healing process is different, so for me not all days feel great because my codependency and anxiety are taking control and some days I feel more empowered than ever. My first experience was traumatizing for me from the second I found out. I always thought I would have an easier time making the decision, but it haunted me for a while. Not because I didn’t make the right choice for myself, but because I could not stop feeling so connected to my womb and the pain it was feeling. I have never felt such a connection with my own body until that moment. I was young and in college. I couldn’t see a plan for myself that included a child yet. My partner and I had only been seeing each other for three months and I found out I was pregnant at 4 weeks. With my second experience, I was personally feeling much stronger and ok with how my life was going. I had a new job, I was still pretty fragile emotionally especially when I would drink. My partner stuck with me through the first abortion and I took a lot of anger out on him. Three years had passed since the first abortion and when I felt the tenderness in my breasts and that same connection I was feeling three years prior, I decided I should take a test and it was positive again. For me, there was no questioning on what I needed to do again for myself. It just was not the right time in my life. I was just creating new beginnings for myself after graduating college. My partner and I agreed to have another abortion and this time, I dealt with is in a much more quiet and self reflective way. It caught me by surprise and for me it was pretty humbling.

For the past year, I have decided that I needed to talk about my experience with a therapist because my brain has been in a really numb and cloudy space. I personally feel as though that decision saved my life. I have been able to work through each experience and learn ways to be healthy for myself. I feel a sense of freedom I never expected to.

The way that I look at it, I cannot put a timeline on how I how I am healing. I am grateful for all that my body has gone through, because in the end it helped me decide to take control of my actions and has put me on a path to freedom from my own anxieties.

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