I already have two children and got unexpectedly pregnant a 3rd time. After my first two pregnancies I had very intense suicidal ideation. I’ve had the ideations on and off for about 10 years but it was the most intense after having my babies. When I got pregnant the 3rd time I just couldn’t imagine going through postpartum again and having another human in my life, counting on me for everything. I just couldn’t go through another pregnancy. I called the clinic at 4 weeks and 1 day since my previous cycle. They got me scheduled to come to the office the next week, I took the abortion pills and had a miscarriage. I kept bleeding for a while but didn’t think much of it. At the follow up they were still seeing raised hormone levels, like pregnancy. They told me I could wait for my body to  it or get a d&c. I opted for the latter and it was confirmed by ultrasound that I had retained placental tissues with no embryo present. When I went for the d&c the nurse was under the impression that I had a miscarriage without abortion pills and was speaking to me as though I was deep in grief for the lost baby. I felt judged by the world but, at the time, empowered for knowing what I needed. I am still raising my first two babies and my partner got a vasectomy. I do want to shout my abortion! I decided against a pregnancy that may have hospitalized me or ended me, and I stayed for myself and my living family. I miscarried an embryo at 5.5 weeks. If there was consciousness in those cells I hope they are compassionate, understanding, and have moved on to where they are welcomed and celebrated.