Here i am again

by Anonymous

August 17, 2022

i met my partner in september 2020, we quickly became a couple and after our first ups and downs found out i was pregnant december 30th. i had a feeling i was pregnant before taking the test and my gut said “not ready for a child”. since we had time talking about the decision that was to make, we fought pretty much all of january. my partner, being 7 years older than me and already having lost a baby to miscarriage with a partner before, wanted to keep it. i, 31 at that time and just finishing my masters degree, ready to start working, wasn’t. i tried to explain to my partner my fears of not being happy as a mom of not thinking this was my path. my partner didn’t understand quote “it’s not reason enough to decide against life”. i went through with the abortion end of january 2021 via pill. my parents were very supportive and i got to stay at their place while i took the second pill. i had terrible cramps for about 6 hours and eventually felt like a small bubble exiting my body. after that i was starting to feel better. my nausea was gone and my head quickly felt back to normal. i had my life back i felt. my partner wasn’t there because of the disappointment.

a couple of days later lots of feeling creeped in. it was a heartache i hadn’t felt in years, a surreal kind of missing sth. it’s been 1.5 years now and i kept having this feeling occasionally up until my “date of birth”. after that it got better. i knew it was the only decision that felt right at that time but still it was hard for me (despite living in a liberal country and being supported by all of my friend) to having aborted a child. in those 1.5 years i started working, which made me very happy.

my partner and i stayed together, eventually even started talking about having kids. the pain of having lost a baby to abortion was hard for my partner, yet for me, i had a hard time forgiving not being supported throughout the process.

i fell pregnant again in may 2022 since we wanted a baby. but i now find myself in a similar situation, not being supported by my partner, overwhelmed by all the chance and especially the chance that is coming. can i have two abortions within 2 years?

i feel like pregnancy makes me very intuitive, but decision is still hard. even though i strongly believe in a person’s right to their body, for me it didn’t go without pain and a wish it had felt right.

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