Heavy decision but not a difficult one

by Anonymous

December 8, 2020

I don’t think this post will get anywhere. I’m just writing this because the only person who ever knew about my abortion is my partner whom I trust enough to never have told anyone, and I kinda want to let it out but not to anyone I know.

Today’s Thanksgiving and it’s reminding me of last year when I became pregnant around this time. I took a pregnancy test in the beginning of December and it came out positive the day before I went back home from college for winter break. I had to live my whole month of winter break knowing I was pregnant and just waiting until I could go back to my college town and get my abortion which I’d scheduled the day after finding out. I was surrounded by family who I knew wouldn’t support my decision and friends from high school who I was no longer close enough to tell. It was kinda hard knowing I was pregnant and not being able to explain my mood (and nausea) to anyone, but I was comforted just knowing it’d be over soon enough. I spent most of Christmas throwing up in the bathroom which I blamed to food poisoning, and New Year’s mostly sober because I was paranoid that I’d get drunk and blurt out that I was pregnant getting an abortion.

When spring semester came around and I was back in my college town, the first thing I did was go get my abortion. My intention was to tell my best friend about it once I got back, but I ended up getting the abortion just 2 days after returning. I thought that since I hadn’t told anyone for over a month, what’s 2 more days to it? I ended up never telling anyone besides my partner, which is why I’m writing this post. I’m not ashamed of my decision, I just don’t want the questions that’ll come after it, especially after so much time has passed. I remember after it happened, I cried a little bit in the waiting room due to the iv sedation and feeling out of it, but the feeling of relief overcame me as I stepped out of the room and I finally felt like me again.

The decision of having an abortion is one I still think about but never regret. I thought about it when my would-have-been due date came around, I’m thinking about it now, a year after becoming pregnant, and I’m sure I’ll think about it again when the anniversary of my abortion comes up, but there’s no sense of regret. I’ve always been pro-choice but it was still a heavy decision. Not so much one that I had to think about, but mostly one that I knew could be life-changing. I was only 20 and happy with how my life was going, so I knew right away that I was not ready for a baby to change everything.

So this is a little story of how it went for me. I’m sure it won’t get anywhere, but it was possibly the best decision I made for myself and I wish it was something I felt comfortable sharing more. I remember googling and youtubing people’s abortion stories when I was going through it, and a lot of what I came across was regrets, which I’m sure is because it’s still seen as a little taboo to get an abortion so there aren’t many people (like me) who would be open to making videos and posts about how they’re happy with their decision. But I am happy, and although I won’t make a youtube video about it anytime soon, I hope this post is enough to let it be known that it’s okay for the decision to feel heavy and for it to be the right one for you as well, decisions don’t always come lightly but that doesn’t mean they’re wrong.

Remember that our stories are ours to tell. We’d love to hear your story too!