He would have just turned 8

by Anonymous

May 2, 2019

Content Warning: rape, attempted suicide

I was 15 years old when I was raped at a small house party with some friends. The night started fine and everyone started to pair and a boy who was quite a few years older than me. I had a few beers but nothing too crazy and I definitely wasn’t drunk enough to not know what was happening. My gut told me to leave when my girlfriends went behind closed doors but I didn’t listen to it. Not long after the doors were shut, I very clearly said, “I am not having sex with you, just so you know.” He obviously didn’t like that and almost immediately tried to take my pants off and when I resisted, he put his hand over my mouth and whispered in my ear, “That’s what you think.” I froze and couldn’t physically make myself move until he was done. My friends came out to the living room and proceeded to tell me that I was drunk and to just go to bed. I attempted to leave but it was winter time and no one would come pick me up or answer their phone. I ended up having to stay there and in the morning I went home and told my mom and she gave me the option to go to the police or not say anything. I chose not to say anything because my friends told me they didn’t believe me. I tried to kill myself the night after, but was (thankfully) unsuccessful. 5 weeks later I missed my period and knew immediately because before this, I was a virgin. 9 days after I took a test, I drove to Planned Parenthood and spoke to a counselor and the nurse. They were so quick to find a way to have the pills paid for. I was completely miserable for weeks prior and then having to do this with no support made me feel like I didn’t deserve to live. I knew it would be hard but I also knew it was the best decision for my teenage self. I was obviously not far enough along to know the gender, but I felt it in my heart that it was a little boy. I will never regret my decision to have an abortion because I knew I wouldn’t have been strong enough to have a baby that was a product of rape. But sometimes I do wish I got to know that baby. I am the person I am today because of what happened and I’m beyond grateful that I made it out. I would have an 8 year old had I not gotten an abortion.

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