Having the baby would have been the real trauma

by Nadine

January 15, 2020

Content Warning: description of medical trauma

I found out I was 3 weeks pregnant. I didn’t believe it, I had to do four tests over two days just to make sure. This pregnancy was very much unexpected.

I told the father, someone I’ve been involved with for an extremely long time. He’s over the moon, planning our future together, telling his friends and family. They’re congratulating him.

I feel shame, I feel embarrassed to tell mine. Am I even going to keep it? As quickly as I can talk myself into it, I can talk myself out. I’m going to be stuck with this man forever, I really don’t want that, I also don’t want to let go of my baby, this is my 1st pregnancy! I was in absolute pieces for days! I couldn’t stop crying! My family were shocked! They didn’t even know I was back in contact with this toxic man. They were not supportive. I told a few close friends, they all shared their pregnancy related stories. I felt so alone.This was the longest week of my life!

When I woke up from a nap one day, it just came to me. ‘I can’t keep it’ I had made up my mind. Which is actually a relief. I called BAPS I could hardly talk as I was crying so much! I made an appointment at Marie stopes two weeks later to get an abortion. It took a while to tell my family, I felt such shame and having to tell them I’m getting an abortion I felt like ‘they won.’ Waiting for an abortion is absolute hell. I just wanted it over and done with now. I kept the pregnancy tests and wrote a letter to my baby. I explained I’m sorry and I’m doing it to protect you…

I wish I could learn to protect myself.

The morning of my abortion, I get woken up by the father at my door. Totally oblivious which is no surprise. He just hasn’t had a fucking clue of what I’ve been going threw, it’s like he listens but doesn’t hear! We just argued, it highlights that’s I’m doing the right thing.

The loss of the pregnancy is bad enough let alone the loss of him too. It’s all come to light now, we’ve been on and off for THIRTEEN years, it’s never been great. I don’t want his child, this isn’t going any further. This needs to stop now! I just keep getting hurt but this is the ultimate pain.

I met my best friend at the clinic. It’s not like this for everyone but, I was in and out in an hour, the nurse just asked loads of questions, did a scan, gave me two tables, one anti sickness one tablet to stop the pregnancy growing. I cried when I was just looking at this tablet I was about to take…. like…. well this is it…. I was sent home. Stayed in bed eating and napping. I cried when I saw a little mixed race girl on a Christmas card.

I screamed when I saw blood I just kept saying I’m sorry to this piece of bloody tissue. The next day I took the second lot of tablets. Well my god. I thought I was going to die the amount of pain and the fact I was so uncomfortable was just hell. I had sickness and diarrhea. That lasted a few hours. Sleeping helped. Then it’s just bleeding with normal period pains. The hot water bottle was my best friend.

It’s kind of a relief. I’ve been on such an emotional rollercoaster the last few weeks, I’m happy it’s all just ended,  including the relationship with just a little sad emotion towards the end.I know one day when I see another positive pregnancy test, it will be my baby coming back to me and I’ll be ready then.Having the baby would have been the real trauma. I made the right decision to protect my baby, I’m not ashamed of it and I’ve learnt a lot from this experience.

Remember that our stories are ours to tell. We’d love to hear your story too!