Having my third abortion and I feel Ok about it

by Anonymous

November 7, 2019

Content Warning: sexual & physical abuse

So here I am 27 years old and having my third abortion tomorrow.. of course my emotions are all over the damn place, half of me feels kinda bad… kinda and the other half feels relief and optimism.

Let’s just start from the beginning. The first time I had an abortion I believe I was 23 I was living with an ex bf. In the beginning of our relationship it was all rainbows and butterflies, he was the sweetest, funniest guy I knew. I had a rough childhood growing up and when I reached my 20’s I would argue everyday with my mom, I had a step father who molested me from the ages of 11-16 so yeah it was a toxic environment and I was so desperate to get the hell out of that house, so I moved out with my ex bf.. I’ll call him Bob (just in case lol) so BOB and I used to party a lot and we would always do drugs and you know…bad decisions fun times.. ah youth.

In the long run “bob” got addicted to cocaine and his whole personality changed. He was no longer the sweet-funny guy who I loved, he turned into an aggressive, short tempered, weird, and just overall asshole; and well yeah he started hitting me. I won’t lie I was toxic as well, I started getting physical with him a slap or two but he’d go as far as choking me and knocking me down on the floor. It was BAD, 7 months into our relationship I found out I was pregnant. I was terrified.. I didn’t know what to do but I KNEW I didn’t want his baby, nor did I want anything to tie me down to this abusive guy. He was reluctantly understanding and very kind throughout the process. We went to our local clinic waited 3 hours JUST to take another pregnancy test cause we wanted to be sure, and boom I was about 5 weeks preggo, the doc then congratulated us and he confused tears of sadness for tears of joy. I called my mom and told her the news and she said it was my decision, and so did bob. I made an appointment and went to the abortion clinic the next day. I had the surgical one. I remember they took me to a room with butterflies on the ceiling, really nice and relaxing room, nice soft music, they told me to open my legs, they gave me anesthesia and next thing I knew I was in a room with other women who were recovering… it was terrible, I was in so much pain and all the other girls were whining and moaning. I honestly just wanted to get the hell outta there. As we headed home “bob” bought me snacks and I was in bed rest for the next two days and that’s the story of my first.

My second abortion..I was 24 living on my own at this point and madly in love with the biggest douche bag ever. We dated for 8 months and idk why but I was CRAZY abt him. He was absolutely beautiful and funny but overall he was a total jerk. He also had a 5 year old with another woman so I was playing step mama.. and I enjoyed it I loved his kid and I have great mother instincts. We would so very ignorantly have unprotected sex but he’d use his “pull out” method and surprisingly it worked for 8 months.. this time around he came inside me and I didn’t take actions after that. I thought to myself I’d be fine, but boom after the first day of my missed period I knew.. I knew what was up. I took a test and lo and behold I was pregnant again. This time around I actually considered going through with the pregnancy the problem was we were broken up at the time.. like we were having “ex sex” so you can imagine how he reacted when I told him. We bought two more tests just to be sure and they both came out positive. He was sitting on my bed and I handed him the pee stick of doom (what I call it) and he was in shock, at the moment I was unsure abt what we were gonna do, but the next day he came over and I told him I was gonna keep it. He got up from my bed and said “thank you for ruining my life.”

I’ve been through so much shit in my life, but I must say those words cut through me like a knife. He walked out of my place and I was left in my room alone, crying.. I told my mom and she yelled at me when I asked if I could live with her cause I wouldn’t be able to maintain myself. My ex lived with his parents and I lived in a tiny apt -bartending at the time, so I wouldn’t be able to work. She told me to abort, my ex (we’ll call him John Doe) told me to abort… I had no support from anyone my best friend and I weren’t talking at the moment so I felt very alone. But I went to the clinic and had my second abortion and I must say that time around it went so smoothly. I took the pill and honestly I mildly bled. When I got home I had to take a second pill and John Doe was there with HIS KID (cause it was his day with his son) just keeping me company.. a part of me cared and I cried a bit, but again I felt relief. At home I bled and I peed a lot. I had mild veryyy mild cramps and the next day I was 100% and that was that.

And now here I am. I have my third abortion scheduled for tomorrow morning at 10:40am, again I feel all types of emotions. I feel uneasy but weirdly calm abt this predicament I have yet again placed myself in. This time around I used protection (condoms) and honestly it’s from a man I’ll call him by his nickname “rolis.” I’m not trying to be funny nor rude but rolis has the tiniest penis I’ve ever had lol… the thing is rolis is a good guy, and he helps me financially… he’s someone who has helped me for 4 years and has stuck around. He’s just not someone I see myself having a future with. But I do have so much love for him. What happened this time is that – like I said his penis is small so when he would cum some semen would slip out, I never knew this until abt two months ago but he would hold it down honestly idk but the other day I missed my period and my boobs have been sore and I just KNOW my body so well. I took a test and boom pregnant, AGAIN. He’s super understanding about it. And like I said tmrw is my scheduled appointment. I’m sitting at work, writing this. I’ve cried, I’ve prayed, I’ve read articles from this site and I must say it’s helped. I know what I’m doing with myself, I know In the future I do want kids.. just not now.. not with this particular man. I have this sense of empowerment and I love that I make the decision at the end of the day. I wanted to share my story cause I know many women go through this. I just wanna say it’s gonna be ok, we’re not bad people, we’re not wrong. I love myself and my body. At he end of the day I know I’m making the best decision for ME.

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