Having an abortion when all you want is a baby

by Anonymous

August 10, 2020

I have always been pro-choice, but I still never thought I’d have an abortion. After three years of my husband and I trying to get pregnant and going through IVF, I finally became pregnant. That call from the clinic felt like the best day of my life. But at my first non-vaginal ultrasound at 13 weeks, we found out the fetus’ heart was beating outside of the chest and fluid behind the neck likely meant additional heart defects.

This had a 1 in a million chance of happening and it happened. One of the first things the doctor said to me after he explained the situation was that most of his patients in the same situation had chosen an abortion. I remember so very clearly that my first thought was, “thank God abortion is still legal.”

The genetic counselor told us I would almost definitely miscarry within a few weeks, but if I made it closer to term, the baby would be stillborn. I knew that I couldn’t handle that and it wasn’t the right choice for me.

TFMR, or termination for medical reasons, sounded like an easier pill to swallow than abortion. It took me a month or so before l realized that I needed to stop calling what happened a termination. I needed to call it an abortion. I had an abortion.

Choosing to have an abortion was both the easiest and hardest decision I’ve ever made. I knew immediately it was what I would do and what I wanted to do. But, believe me, if there had been any other way through with a live baby in my arms at the end, I would have taken that option. But there wasn’t, so I had an abortion. And because of my abortion, I now have an amazing 1-year-old boy.


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