I celebrated my two-year abortion anniversary this past weekend, 5 month old baby on my hip, stocking abortion pills in my bathroom cupboard because yes, abortion is something to celebrate and yes, parents have abortions and yes, I have no qualms whatsoever about having another abortion if I get pregnant again before I am ready.

 

When I got pregnant two years ago, I was so excited. Becoming a mother was something I’d always dreamed of, but I was also devastated because I knew immediately that it wasn’t the right time. I went to my primary care doc and she was incredibly supportive, calling around to clinics and then handing me the phone to ask questions and schedule. My appointment was awful, but mostly because I was in the clinic waiting room for the entire day without any snacks; being hungry and alone with my thoughts fueled the grief I felt for that child I wanted so badly to meet and was choosing not to. The procedure was fine, but my empty stomach and dehydration reacted very badly to the sedation. I was embarrassed for vomiting and being so emotional. After the sedation wore off, all I felt was relief, and gratitude for the kindness of the staff and my partner.

 

I had been pro-choice by default, but I became pro-abortion. Wanting to learn how to radically normalize abortion and share that with others, I ended up working at that same clinic, learning to do every administrative and medical task I could, and immersing myself in abortion stories, history, and politics. It was the most fulfilling job I’d ever had. Patients came in hunched over, making themselves small, braced to face stigma and brutality, and instead are met with compassion, autonomy, and empowerment. I loved watching people relax as I explained the simplicity and safety of the abortion process; as I affirmed them in their experience and choice, whatever it was, and held their hand, breathed with them before, during, and after.

 

I became pregnant again the next year and it was the right time. Again, I was so excited and again, I was anxious. I experienced nausea, fatigue, debilitating insomnia, and an unbearable exacerbation of my chronic pelvic pain and pelvic dysfunction issues. I had a peaceful, intimate home birth full of smiles and laughter that was nonetheless a marathon. Early postpartum I experienced anxiety, tailbone pain, hot flashes, and shame for not being able to breastfeed. I chose the entirety of that experience, chose it every day, but every day of it was challenging and vulnerable and I sometimes doubted my choice. I have a supportive family, a true partner, a small but steady income, a roof over my head, a pelvic PT, a therapist, a midwife, food on my table, maternity and paternity leave, and two cats. My pregnancy and postpartum were so hard, so worth it, but would have been undoable without the supports that I had and the knowledge that it was my choice every step of the way.

 

I love being a stay-at-home mother now. I want to have another child someday. But I am enjoying this time with my one baby, and enjoying regaining normalcy in my physical and mental health. If I get pregnant again before I’m ready, I will have another abortion and I will be just as glad.

arrow right More Stories arrow right Add Your Voice