I found out I was pregnant on a Thursday after feeling sick and tired all day. My period was late but that wasn’t unusual. I took a pregnancy test, convinced it would be negative and that I was overreacting, but the line appeared almost instantly. I almost passed out.
I’m happily married at 30 but we are not in a financial place to have a baby right now. We are both about to take postings abroad, almost doubling our income and allowing us to finally purchase a house.
We were both on the same page, wanting children at a later stage in our lives but agreeing that it wasn’t a good time now. We had been careless one day, thinking it would be fine. I had also drank and taken drugs at a party that month. I didn’t want the anxiety of having a baby when I hadn’t been planning one and hadn’t been keeping it safe.
We booked a private appointment as our healthcare didn’t cover it. I was six weeks and had the medical abortion. I took the first tablet as soon as I got home. The second, that causes you to pass the pregnancy, I did 24 hours later. That was quite traumatic. It was painful for about 6 hours, with the most intense pain being when I passed the biggest clot. I vomited, had chills and nausea. The next day I felt tired and emotional, but like I was slowly returning to normal.
I’ve booked some therapy so that I am prepared for the emotional fall out, if there is one. I feel a lot of guilt as many friends around me have lost pregnancies or are having babies, and whilst lots of my friends have had abortions, I don’t think anyone has had one this late when they are settled and married.
I feel relieved I can get on with my life but guilty. Would a better person have just dealt with it? Did I just flippantly end a pregnancy to be selfish and pursue my own goals? My husband and I don’t plan to tell anyone. He’s been so supportive throughout the process it’s definitely brought us closer together and reconfirmed how much we love each other. But I don’t want the judgement and I’m not sure other people would understand.
Ultimately it’s a choice that I made for my future family’s well-being, my own career and that of my husbands. There’s a wall of guilt and shame sitting between me and feeling ok with my decision. Once I can work through that I think I’ll be ok.
