I am a single mother to an 8 year old boy, and he is my whole world; I love being a mother, I am proud of my mothering and invest fully in it, and I adore children. I also have 3 diagnosed mental illnesses and a high-pressure full time job. Keeping up with my life and being 80% of the mother I want to be takes everything I have and more, every single day.
My son asks me for a sibling, and it warms me up from the inside to imagine, but when I found out I was pregnant — by a devoted partner who loves me and my son deeply — it felt devastating. Someday, when have had more time to build our partnership and live together, we’d love to grow our family. But we knew being “ready if we have to be” wasn’t right for us. It didn’t feel fair to anyone. Not the maybe baby I was carrying, not to my son who has endured so much change, not to my partner who isn’t ready, and not to myself, someone who needs regular therapy and several medications to stay healthy.
Ever heard of Spoon Theory? Well, I’m operating at a spoon deficit. One month ago, I had a medical abortion at 6 weeks and 4 days. And I am so, so sad. I don’t feel proud, I don’t feel liberated, I don’t feel empowered. I feel deep unanswerable grief. I miss that maybe baby, and I am devastated I will never get to know all that they can be. I feel sure that I made the best decision for us all, but it’s a decision I resent. The future children I may have won’t be the same as the one I never got to meet.
