Grief & Relief

by Emma

October 6, 2020

It was a little over five months ago. I’m 18, my boyfriend was 19 at the time, we were only together for about 7 months, and we were entering a pandemic. The thought of eating McDonald’s made me want to throw up, and I immediately knew that I needed to take a pregnancy test. I knew that it would be positive, so when I looked at the two little pink lines on the stick that I bought from cvs, I didn’t cry. But I was crushed. At that point I knew that my boyfriend and I would be together forever, nonetheless, neither of us were ready for a baby. We teetered on the decision for a few days before deciding that we had to terminate the pregnancy.

To this day, and probably for the rest of my life, I constantly think about what could have been. Although I was relieved and very thankful to have the option and not be forced into having a baby when I wasn’t ready, I have so much love for my baby boy, and it hurts me that I can’t hold him. One day my boyfriend and I will have a beautiful and healthy family, but that baby will always be our first baby and I truly believe that he is watching over us.

Never let anybody tell you that how you feel about your abortion isn’t normal or that it’s invalid. I made the decision that I did for the benefit of my baby, even though it tore me to shreds. That’s what a parent does. Feeling like you’re suffering a loss and missing the baby that you will hold one day in the future IS normal, but just know that overtime it does get easier to cope.

If you ever need to talk, I’m here.

Instagram : emmagerlachh. Snapchat : egerlach01

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