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Grief and Relief

by Olivia

February 9, 2021

I first got pregnant when I was 15. Two weeks after I found out I was pregnant, I had a miscarriage. I was absolutely devastated. I was young and I did not know what I was going to do yet, but I knew that I personally felt like I had lost something. That was one of the hardest times of my life. When I was 16, I become pregnant again and had my daughter in June of 2019. At the end of 2020, I found out that I was pregnant again, at 18 years old. This was devastating news. I am currently in college and a stay at home mom and struggle hard with mental health issues that make me want to lay in bed all day. I cannot and will not be able to handle another child on top of everything. About a week after I found out, I scheduled a surgical abortion at a clinic near me. Tomorrow is my appointment. Although I am anxious, I am so excited to get it over with so that I can move on with my life. I don’t know if I want any more children, and that’s what makes this hard. I am relieved about the decision I am making, but I am also grieving what could have been, had I been mentally, physically, and financially ready. I know I’m making the right choice for me right now, even if I am scared. I feel ashamed for having been pregnant three times by the age of eighteen, and I’m not sure what to do about that. All I can do now is hug my daughter really close and pray for the future. I will forever be okay with the choice I am making tomorrow, but that does not mean I am not allowed to grieve it.

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