Grief and Relief

I had an abortion two weeks ago. I’m 28, in law school, and the crazy thing is, if we wanted to, we could maybe have made it work. My partner makes good money and I’m going into a lucrative career; we aren’t “too young.” But we’ve only been dating a short while and when I found out, it felt like a loss and burden. Even if I can take care of a child financially, emotionally and psychologically, I was not ready. I am just starting a career I am in love with and want to nurture; we want to travel now that COVID is over and get to know one another and build a strong foundation in our relationship. I cried and cried when we found out I was pregnant. We want children, and this experience made us realize that we want children together, but not yet. It feels selfish and I feel guilt and shame, but I’m trying to tell close friends. Everyone who I talk to is understanding and kind. The doctor I saw said, “I could not imagine having a baby in med school,” and that’s just how I feel. When I have a child, I want my child to know that he or she is wanted and loved without hang ups or reservation. I think I will feel the grief—and also gratitude that I was able to make this choice for myself— for the rest of my life. In this experience, I searched for stories of abortion in books or TV and found one that fits me in the TV show “Shrill:” like that character, my abortion feels like a form of self care because it meant doing something difficult and truly grief-inducing in order to preserve my sense of self and give myself a chance to accomplish my dreams. No one who has not experienced this can understand how hard it is. I want to start being a door guide at Planned Parenthood.