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Grateful for the choice I never wanted to make

by Anonymous

June 4, 2019

I’m 26 years old and found out I was pregnant Feb. 17th. I knew almost immediately thanks to an app I use to track my periods (and ovulation), and I’ve always had decently regular, on time periods. I was cramping, which is normal for me the few days leading up to my period, and breasts were incredibly sore and tender, more so than usual. I was exceptionally tired and had the most vivid dreams, all were signs for me.  By the time I took the test, my period was officially 5 days late. The test read “Yes+” and I cried immediately.

I have never wanted kids. I personally believe that I am too selfish and lack the compassion needed to be a mother. I also have severe depression and anxiety, with a history of self harm and suicidal thoughts, I knew I would not survive a pregnancy. I called my doctor the next day for options, and found out I was 5 weeks 2 days from my last period, they gave me an emergency referral to planned parenthood. I was mercifully able to get an appt for the following week, they had one opening sooner but I couldn’t get off from work. I researched both the medical and surgical procedures, I originally wanted to do the medical (taking the medicine to expel the pregnancy) but that sounded more unpleasant and I didn’t want to go in for more than one appt, which made me opt for surgical.

I didnt want to tell my partner yet, so my mom went with me, which I’m so grateful for. My appt took all of 3 hrs. I was weighed, blood pressure taken, ultrasound was performed to see how far along I was(6 weeks 3 days at appt day), the nurse asked if I wanted to know if there was a heartbeat(no) and if it was just one embryo(no). They never pressured me, and wanted to make sure this was totally my decision. I asked about my options for birth control immediately after the procedure, and asked for an IUD. I was given a valium and a muscle relaxer 30mins before the procedure, and on the exam table, they gave me a shot of lidocaine in my cervix (which didnt help) and dilated my cervix. It was the worst pain I have ever gone through, including debilitating cramps and past trauma. Removing the pregnancy and insertion of my IUD took 4 minutes, and I was done.

My cramping and bleeding were very light and tolerable afterwards, which probably wouldnt have been the case if I had done the medicine.

I would be 19 weeks pregnant right now if I had chosen to keep it and I still do not regret my decision. I decided to share my story to help other women/couples. I’m grateful I had the choice but it was never something I wanted to do.

Remember that our stories are ours to tell. We’d love to hear your story too!