by Anonymous

August 11, 2020

I had just moved halfway across the world and uprooted my life when I found out I was pregnant.

I didn’t realise I was pregnant until it was time to start my new pack of pills and I realised that I hadn’t had my period yet. So I bought my first ever test, and after what felt like an eternity two very dark pink lines appeared. It felt like the ground had disappeared from beneath my feet. A million questions popped into my mind. I was in Latin America and I thought abortion was illegal there. My relationship was complicated, but I told him anyway. He wanted to keep it. Every day, I felt worse. I felt like throwing up at any given moment during the day, most likely a combination of the stress and the pregnancy.

When a friend told me that it was actually fairly easy and legal to get an abortion, I knew that’s what I had to do. Well, no, I thought that that was the most logical choice. At the same time I wanted to keep it. After a few weeks of sleepless nights, I went in to the clinic. When I took the first pill, it just felt right. I knew I had made the right choice. I wasn’t ready for a baby. I didn’t regret it, and still don’t. It was one of the hardest decisions of my life, but I’m happy with the way it turned out.

Why am I writing this now? Well, fast forward 2 years. I have an IUD, one of the safest birth control methods. I have a great partner and I want to have kids, some day. Not now.

On a Wednesday morning, something feels off. My period isn’t due for another week, but I have this feeling I can’t shake. I tell him to go buy a test. For the second time in my life, the ground disappeared from beneath my feet. Those two pink lines, again.

This time though, I feel safe, knowing that I can make a choice. Lucky. I know I do want kids with the person I’m with – just not now.

I’m forever grateful for having a choice.

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