Getting an Abortion in a week.

At the time of writing this I am 19 weeks. I just found out I was pregnant a week ago today & ever since my world has turned upside down.

I took a Plan B back in November immediately after my boyfriend & I were together just to be on the safe side. I wasn’t surprised when I saw spotting/blood just 6 days after I took it because I knew that’s what happens after taking it. I thought we were being careful. I thought we were doing all we could do to prevent this from happening. But apparently it was already out of my hands.

I took a pregnancy test in December and it had came out negative. I was relieved so I figured it’s just plan B messing with my hormones. My period had been late but I found comfort in knowing that this drug could very well throw a woman’s cycle out of wack. So, I just played the waiting game.

Well fast forward from December to just last week in February, I got a positive pregnancy test. I thought “these things are so faulty, let me just take another one.” Clearly, I was in denial. I waited about 2 hours & again took another test. Again, it came out positive. I immediately panicked. I called my boyfriend & he was just as much at a lost of words as I was. I didn’t tell my parents right then & there. I was too stunned. I spent that whole night researching abortions because I knew what my decision was going to be since the moment I finally let everything process.

The next day I couldn’t think at work. All I could do was cry & confide in my boyfriend. He has been very supportive & helping me throughout this whole thing. I told him I couldn’t hold this in any longer & needed to tell my parents. All I wanted was to lay my head in my mom’s lap & hear her tell me everything is going to be ok. So that night, we told them. My parents were so supportive & ensured both of us they would be here to help us in every single aspect regardless if we decided to keep the baby or go through with the abortion. While I would love to be a mom, I really do, I am in no way fit to be a mother at this moment in my life. We both are mentally depressed & we live with our parents still. We just started working well paying jobs & always wanted to have a place of our own before bringing a baby into the world.

I made an appointment with planned parenthood the next day & found out I may be between 16-19 weeks along. Because of the stage I’m in I will have to do a D&E along the course of two days. They made my appointment for the first day of March. My heart has been in my stomach since I found out because I wish I would’ve caught on sooner. I wish I didn’t confuse my symptoms for plan B symptoms. I wish I didn’t feel like such a bad person for wanting to go through an abortion this far along. But the truth of the matter is, it is the best option for me at this moment in my life. Being 24 & just learning how to truly handle adult responsibilities is hard enough as it is. How could I possibly raise a baby knowing I can’t even be there for them mentally & physically when I’m battling just living everyday?

I always pictured myself being in a better position when I start having kids. I want to feel the joy & excitement mothers feel when they find out & instead I’ve just felt miserable. I get sad sometimes knowing I can’t fulfill my parents’ wish of being grandparents or my siblings wish to be an aunt & uncle right now, but I know they are behind me every step of the way & ultimately I’m making this decision for myself. I am stronger for not bringing a baby into a world their parents are not mentally strong enough to maintain for them. When the time is right I hope my boyfriend & I are more prepared & our baby will come back to us again. I’m making this very difficult decision so that I can be a better mother because no baby deserves to have half-assed parents.

To anyone reading this who is nervous or anxious to get their abortion, please know what you are feeling is normal. It is okay to cry & mourn the loss of the baby, even if you are getting an abortion. We are human at the end of the day. Let every single emotion you feel out but always remember why you decided to make this choice. We are making this very hard decision because deep down we know this is the best possible option for us. Never feel ashamed for putting yourself first. Speaking from someone who has not yet gotten the abortion just yet, I feel even more solid with my choice just by reading all the other stories so many other people have of their own experiences with this. I do not feel alone anymore. I feel empowered.

I will update my experience post-abortion. Sending all my love to everyone going through this. We may not know each other but we share a connection.