I had my first abortion when I was 16. My boyfriend at the time was 21 and even though I lived with him and his parents, they were horrified to think that I could have ever gotten pregnant. I didn’t have much of a say in the whole thing, his parents immediately said I was having an abortion and they would pay for it. The whole thing was very hush hush and odd. His mom drove me to a nearby city and her and I stayed in a hotel the night before. We got the abortion pill the next day and I took it in another hotel. My boyfriend never came and we never spoke of it again. I wanted to feel bad about it, even years later, but, truthfully, I never did.
I had my daughter at age 21. She is the light of my life and the reason for so many things I do. Her dad and I split up after a few years and I jumped into another relationship and got pregnant. I was 25. I wanted to be excited and for a few weeks I was but I knew that having a child with this man was not what was best for me or what I wanted. He had three kids himself and I was still in love with my daughter’s dad. Without him knowing, I had an abortion. I feel awful about never telling him the truth but I know I made the right choice.
Still on and off with my daughter’s dad, and more off than on, I started dating a guy I fell head over heels for. At 27, I got pregnant again. We talked about our options and I chose to have an abortion. He didn’t go with me and it was the most horrific experience of my life. Something you’d see out of a prolife movie, horrific conditions, painful and I was alone. We never talked about it but we both felt like we made the wrong choice. A month or so later I became pregnant again and he left me and denied the baby and me. I struggled for weeks not knowing what to do. I had another abortion, this time the pill and felt awful. I called the doctor the next day and looked into reversal options. I decided that I had made a decision and to stick with that. I wasn’t the same for about a year but now I know I made the right choice.
Today, I am 36 weeks with my first son and 29 years old. My daughter’s dad and I have worked things out after years of struggles and are back to a wonderful place. I don’t regret my past abortions, I regret not using birth control and jumping into relationships to “heal”.
I am not the devil, I am not broken or damaged or heartless. I made the decisions I needed to in order to make the best of my life.
