Forgiven, never forgotten.

by Anonymous

May 4, 2020


About three years ago I was in a toxic “relationship”. We weren’t official, and he didn’t treat me right, we had been dating for a couple of months, and I had tried to break up with him a few times, but I never did because he knew just what to say, he would cry and say things would change, and I would believe him, but that’s another story. We were having unprotected sex, he said he did it all the time in his previous relationship and there was nothing to worry about as long as we tracked my fertile days. I was in such a bad place because of this relationship that I didn’t think about it, I went along with whatever he asked and thought he knew what he was talking about, it’s no excuse, I was definitely wrong, I was just too messed up at the time to care. One day I saw my calendar and realized we had had sex in my fertile window, I called to tell him but got no response and just blew it off, because, there’s no way that would happen to me.

A couple of weeks later I took a friend to take a pregnancy test, she did it every month just because she worried a lot, and she asked me to take one with her because it made her feel comfortable, I laughed and took it in the stall next to her. I didn’t expect my period to come until about five days later, so I honestly thought nothing of it, when I saw a very faint line pop up I thought I was going crazy. Later that day, before I stopped by the pharmacy and bought one of those digital tests that come with a week counter, just to be safe, and I went to class. My teacher was late so I went to the bathroom and took it. That’s the first time I felt really nervous, but nothing compared to the feeling I got when “Pregnant 1-2 weeks” came up, my stomach dropped. I had never felt so scared. The teacher had arrived, I just went in, got my things and walked out of the classroom. I called him, he didn’t pick up so I texted, I said it was urgent. He picked up, I asked him to meet my in my car. I think he knew, because I had told him about taking the test with my friend, and he just sounded like he knew when I said I needed to see him. We met up in my car, we sat in the backseat, and I couldn’t speak. I took the test out and handed it to him, I sat kind of curled up, with my head between my knees. I cried. He said I had to go to the doctor to confirm it, because they were never right, and he mentioned his ex had actually had false positive pregnancy tests because of hormone issues. I knew that false positives are actually very rare, but I agreed, it was the next step to take. I couldn’t think straight, I remember him saying something like I had to “end” it, if it was true. When I said I didn’t know what I wanted to do he got angry and said some things about how when he thought his ex was pregnant she said she didn’t want it and that’s why he said he did, and he thought that was happening to me, that I just didn’t want to say yes to what he wanted, and that I was being hard headed and basically annoying. I just didn’t know, I couldn’t think straight, everything was blurry. He actually left me in the car and went to class, when he came back he just said he was getting the contact for a doctor so we could make an appointment and that I should just relax because we weren’t sure. I really needed him, but he had a soccer game so he left. That night I didn’t sleep, he said he was nervous and his stomach hurt, that everything would be okay, then he just changed the subject and went to sleep.

The next day I had planned a surprise date for him, he was late as usual so we didn’t make it, I wasn’t okay, everything was weird and awkward, but we didn’t talk about it. The next day I asked him if we could just be together, I needed the support, I went to his place and we hung out. He refused to talk about it until we went to the doctor, so we didn’t. Later that day he told me he needed some space to be with friends, so he went out and I went to a party with some friends, I went home early and I didn’t sleep. I felt so strange, knowing I had this life inside me, which has always been one of my biggest dreams, to become a mom, and feel so terrified.

I started to make my decision early on. I come from a very conservative family, they don’t know, to this day, that I’m not a virgin, and they wouldn’t take it well, I knew there was absolutely no way I could tell them or ask for their support in this, because even if they did help me, they would never forgive me, and it would be shoved in my face for the rest of my life. I know if I didn’t have the family I do I probably wouldn’t have had an abortion, because it is definitely not what I wanted. But I was weak and vulnerable and I needed support, and the two places where I needed it from where the places I would never find it, my family and my partner.

We finally went to the doctor, she was so sweet, she knew I was scared, I explained the situation, she hugged me and told me things would be alright. She told me she didn’t carry out abortions, but if it was my decision she would help me and tell me where to go and then support me afterwards. I was shaking, I was nervous, I could barely speak. He was in the waiting room. She did a vaginal ultrasound and nothing showed up. She asked him to come in so she could explain. I was so early that you couldn’t even see a sac yet. She told us we had to wait another week to see if it implanted correctly and if it wasn’t ectopic, because I couldn’t have an abortion if that was the case and some other stuff. She told me she knew how hard what I was going through can be, and that if I decided to continue with the pregnancy things would be difficult and my parents would probably yell and be upset, but that it was not going to last forever and it could end up being the best thing I did. She also said something about abortion sounding like the fast and easy way out but that it had repercussions that would be with me forever or something like that. I said I wasn’t sure of what I wanted to do, he said the same thing and sounded so sweet. Then we went to his place and he said that she just wanted me to wait to convince me to keep it, and that he didn’t want it, he said if I kept it he would always hold a grudge against me and against the baby, that he would always think I had done it on purpose to trap him, and that his mom would think the same, and that our families would judge us because we weren’t even a couple, and all this other horrible stuff. I felt trapped.

We went back in, and there was just a little blob, it was the sack, but still we couldn’t see anything more because it was so small. She said to wait a bit more. He said we couldn’t wait any longer, because I would end up seeing something and getting attached and I wouldn’t want to get rid of it. We never said “abortion”, we never said “baby” or “pregnant”, we kind of just talked around it. I never said I wanted to have an abortion, I just kept saying “I don’t know”, or I just kept quiet. I didn’t want to have an abortion. I wanted him to tell me he supported me, and things would be okay, and we could handle it. He ended up making an appointment for at the abortion clinic. I didn’t say anything, I cried, and I said I wasn’t sure. He said it was for the best, we weren’t ready and it would be okay. There were a few times when I asked him for support, and he said he was there for me, I could count on him, he supported me in whatever I did, but that was never the case. Through it all was the opposite of what I needed. At night I would lay awake, thinking, crying, feeling. It was so surreal, at times I felt like I was just looking at myself live through this, like I wasn’t even in my body. In the meantime he went on with his usual life, friends, parties, sports. I kept my space from my family during that time, I felt so guilty, so uncomfortable and so ashamed.

I didn’t know how it all worked. I went in, registered at the front desk and paid. They made me go into a room where they asked some questions. The nurse did an ultrasound. I was six weeks and three days along. I could see the sack and small blob. It measured 6 millimeters. They brought him into the room, he didn’t want to see. She gave me a pill to take there. I couldn’t take it. She asked if I was sure. I didn’t answer. He told me to take it. I did. That day I went to class, i had some light bleeding. The following day I told my mom I was sleeping over at a friend’s house. We got burgers, fries and ice cream. I ate all of it, bad idea. He ended up leaving and going to a party for a while. He promised he would be back by 12, since that’s the time I had to take the other pills (it was like four under my tongue if I remember correctly). He was late, I texted him and I took it. I had never felt worse. I started shaking so bad and bleeding so much. I had chills and a fever. I could feel my heart beating out of my chest. I thought I was going to die, and I thought I deserved it. He finally got back, I could barely open the door. I rushed to the bathroom where I threw up and had diarrhea, I kept bleeding and shaking. He helped me clean myself up, we went to bed, he put on some movie, I still felt like I was dying, but slowly my fever went down and I fell asleep. I woke up with horrible cramps and my pants were soaked in blood, so I went into the bathroom and I washed them. He took me home. I asked him if we could spend the day together, he ended up being busy. He said we could go to a movie at night, then he said he couldn’t because he didn’t have cash, so I ended up paying. We went to the movies and didn’t talk about it. The next day we acted as if nothing had happened.

I held up my act for a while, until it became too much. I would get drunk and cry, I actually ended up telling two friends about it, and they were very supportive. I had no sex drive at all anymore. I just felt like a different person. I broke things off. But I think in a twisted way because of what we had lived through I felt something tied me to him, that I needed to be with him, we were bonded. We got back together.

After my experience I have never been the same. It is something I think of daily, and I’m sure I will for the rest of my life. But nowadays I don’t regret my abortion, I’m thankful that I was able to get it in such a safe and easy way. I hope in the future everyone, everywhere will have the same rights and opportunities to access healthcare like I did. I have grown from this experience. And even though I don’t regret it, and I’ve learned to forgive myself, I will forever mourn it, and be sorry that I put myself in that position. For now, I will keep working on myself, knowing that the next time I get pregnant, if I ever do, it will be because I want it and  I’m ready for it.

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