For yourself

I was raised by a father who was sick my whole life, but would do anything and everything to provide for his children. At 21, I got pregnant with someone who would say and do anything to not keep a child.

I got pregnant the first night I slept with a guy who I had no future with. I took plan b the next day and thought nothing of it. He was leaving in a few months and we agreed to keep things light and fun for the time being. That until… I got pregnant and he made it well aware he would not stay here for me and the baby, he doesn’t want a child of his on this planet, and I would be a “fucking idiot” to have a kid at my age.

My family is pro life and I have a very sick father who I adore more than anyone. I told myself I would never get an abortion for my families values and for the fear of my child never meeting my father.  Getting pregnant was the biggest shock ever. I was so scared I would have gone with whatever the father of the child said. And I did. He wanted an abortion and I was scheduled for it in five weeks.

It was a struggle everyday as I began to love each new symptom of my pregnancy. Everyday was something different and I grew so attached in those eight weeks. Even the nausea. My sister was 13 weeks pregnant ahead of me at the time, and the thought of keeping my baby a secret who I knew wouldn’t be mine any longer was devastating.

If I had been with someone supportive of starting a family with me, I would have loved to go through every new phase of pregnancy and motherhood. But I could not give a life to a child who was already so unwanted and hated by a figure I look up to so much in my own life, a father. I struggle deeply with my self worth, and to put a child in this world already unwanted by the other half of their DNA, destroyed me more than anything else.

I wasn’t strong enough to stand up for myself and baby during my pregnancy, but because of my abortion next time I will be. Because of my abortion I know how strong Ive become. Because of my abortion my future children will be loved by every cell of them, wanted to their very core, and have a mother who is more ready than ever to stand up for them the moment the test says positive.

I am not ashamed of my abortion, but what does give me shame is to hide the pain I feel and the strength I have for my choice. It is hard everyday and not a decision I took lightly. For that I choose not to hide anything.

I still keep these memories on my mind everyday in hope they will give me the strength to have more power and control in my life decisions. The pregnancy tests still remain in my room, the pain of the procedure still remains in my mind, and the signs and shouting of the protesters telling me I’m a baby killer still remain in my tears.

I do not regret my abortion. It changed my life for the better and gave me a perspective and passion on issues going on in the world I never recognized before. It changed my life in the people I choose to keep close to my heart and showed me the people who truly care for my soul and well being. I’m forever grateful for the people at Planned Parenthood who helped me without shame.