First Pregnancy, First Abortion

by "Jane Doe"

September 14, 2021

The recent disgusting bill in Texas has prompted me to tell my story. I am currently 24 years old, an African American woman, and in my final semester of completing my master’s degree. As I write my story, it is September 8, 2021. On May 26, 2021, I found out I was pregnant after taking a pregnancy test. A day I shall never forget. My ex boyfriend was on a vacation trip at that time. Our usual form of communication was either through text and in person, barely a voice call. I called him and was surprised he picked up because it was 5 am where he was at. “I’m pregnant” I said. “This is a secret that both of us will carry to our graves.”

Luckily I caught the pregnancy early on, as I was 4 weeks that time. I experienced two pregnancy symptoms: tender breasts and heightened sense of smell, where everything smelled nasty to me, I was suspicious that I was pregnant (always listen to your intuition). It’s interesting that at that time I was carrying life in my body but felt so so lonely. I am not ready to financially provide for a child. Growing up in an African household, I knew I would bring great shame to my parents because culturally it is not acceptable. Although my ex was telling me fantasies of what he believed I wanted to hear in keeping the baby and doing right in marrying me and starting our life together, It felt too good to be true and not the right reason to be married when there was no love between us (he was just a great fuck buddy). Like my parents, I worked hard in life to be not seen as a stereotype. I didn’t want to be viewed as a “black baby mama with several kids by several different baby daddies.”

I knew had I kept the baby, my ex probably would’ve abandoned the child and left me a single mother. Keeping the baby meant my dreams being derailed and everything revolving around the child. I could only think of more cons than pros. When I chose to bring a child into the world will be with my future husband, who will love me and our future unborn children unconditionally. My children will all have the same loving father and they will have the best of everything that my future husband and I will provide for them ESPECIALLY love and UNabandonment. Had I kept the pregnancy, something this child would’ve lacked. It is not fair because I had the best of everything and my future children deserve that too. Only three people knew the secret: ex boyfriend, cousin (who has had abortions herself only I and her mother know about) and a trustworthy friend.

Luckily I was able to find a local abortion clinic, finding one was difficult as they were so booked and the next appointment I would’ve been 9 or 10 weeks pregnant to require the surgical method. (That experience also made me realize that a lot of women are having abortions, it’s common). Had my first appointment two days later. Took the first pill on June 2 and the second pill June 3. Went by fast and painful and a lot of tears and HUGE relief. I’m more thankful for my cousin and friend than my boyfriend. They would call in and check on me, give me words of affirmation, etc. My ex didn’t care to see me cry, didn’t care about the situation at all (he did pay for half the abortion though), there was no emotional support. My immediate and extended family doesn’t know about this, thank god. I could never tell my hard core Christian mother about this as she believes abortion is murder. My father is pro choice but had he known, and due to my mother’s influence would’ve forced me to keep the baby.

I commend the women that go public and admit to their abortion, it is not an easy thing to do. It’s the bullshit and shame from others that keep women (including) myself and my cousin silent. I do not regret the decision at all, I know I made the right decision. I feel that I have gained my power back and my life is mine. I can still accomplish my dreams, I can do more things/activities now than if I would’ve kept the baby. Seeing the members of the Texas government who signed the bill being predominantly men was infuriating. Seriously, men? to determine how women govern their OWN bodies?????? Worse were the small group of women in the center with huge grins made me want to bitch slap them. How can you as a woman do that? You should have the sympathy to understand not all women have it easy. The same people who are shouting “abortion is murder”, “you are killing a person”, will be the same ones saying these women are soooo irresponsible having kids they cannot take care. To the pro lifers can YOU specifically financially and emotionally help the woman you are calling a killer? Most likely not. Honestly, you can’t win with them:. My thoughts, prayers and love go out to especially women in Texas who are wanting/needing a(n) abortion(s) and women everywhere.

Remember that our stories are ours to tell. We’d love to hear your story too!