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Find Strength and Peace in my Abortion

by Kristin

April 18, 2019

Abortion is one of those things you think could never happen to you although it’s so common. It’s one of those things you hear stories about and automatically think “well that could never happen to me” or “I could never be in that position”. I used to think that way until I had my abortion. I grew up in a rural countryside where things were very hush hush and I was extremely sheltered. My parents never discussed contraception, safe sex or sex in general with me because they wanted to pretend that their baby girl couldn’t possibly be engaging in sexual intercourse. I was the girl who always had a boyfriend and I experienced several long term relationships. I never utilized contraception. I didn’t use condoms or birth control in my relationships because I literally wasn’t educated as to why they were important. In my high school sex education classes I was taught about abstinence although that wasn’t effective because most everyone I knew in my class was sexually active. In my senior year of college I finally met a man that I fell head over heels in love with. It was the first time I ever visualized myself marrying someone and starting a family with someone.

 

No different than my previous relationships I was not utilizing any contraception when we engaged in sexual intercourse. After being in this relationship for just over two years I realized I had missed a period. I decided to take a pregnancy test and it came out positive. In utter disbelief I decided to take another pregnancy test and the result was clear as day. I was pregnant. Panic was the first thing that overwhelmed my psyche. How could I possibly tell my mother? I felt ashamed. How could this have happened to me? I knew right away that I wanted an abortion. I didn’t need a second thought about it. I wanted to get rid of the baby I didn’t want and wasn’t ready for. I had recently graduated from college and my dreams were big. I wanted to pursue my dream career in the nonprofit sector. I wanted to go back to school and obtain my masters. After seeing the result of my pregnancy tests I also saw those dreams come crashing down. I knew I couldn’t reach my full potential if I became a mother. I knew I wouldn’t be able to accomplish my dreams. Luckily, my first job out of college was a summer job at Planned Parenthood. I called Planned Parenthood immediately and scheduled my abortion. Shortly after the appointment was made I began experiencing morning sickness. I already had an eating disorder and my body could barely handle the violence of my morning sickness. I puked every twenty minutes and I couldn’t stomach any food other than fruit. The smell of food made me throw up. I had nothing in my system to throw up so I threw up stomach bile repeatedly to the point when my esophagus was constantly burning as a result of the acidity. I was on bed rest for two weeks straight and my extreme illness made me weak, fragile and frail.

 

After two weeks of sheer agony, anxiety, guilt, shame and thoughts of offing myself the wintry day of my surgical procedure arrived. I felt relieved but also terrified because I had never had any sort of surgery prior. I was nervous and my boyfriend was not any sort of support system because not only did he want me to keep the baby but he pressured me not to get an abortion. He called me a baby killer. He begged me not to go through with the procedure but I had never wanted anything more badly than to get rid of that baby. I knew what I had to do for myself and for my future. I went into Planned Parenthood that day and I met the nicest health care professionals I’ve ever met. I cried because I was so scared just to have my thumb poked and they distracted me. I finally got to the room where the procedure would be completed. My immense fear of needles made me terrified to be put to sleep but the woman administering the anesthesia to me told me to picture myself on a beach with palm trees and a nice cool ocean breeze. Although I was hysterically crying and flailing this is the image I remember prior to being put asleep. I awoke groggy and confused in a separate recovery room. I saw other women who had undergone the same procedure and were also in the same hazy state munching on the snacks Planned Parenthood had provided. I ate my snack and went to the bathroom where I saw what looked like period blood on the pad that was attached to my underwear. I had never been so relieved in my life to see blood. I felt traumatized because of the way I had worked myself up and because I had just undergone a surgical procedure but I also felt at peace knowing that my body was no longer inhabited. Planned Parenthood then provided me with a hormonal birth control that I still take today. This hormonal birth control is also the reason I was able to conquer my eating disorder as it greatly increased my appetite. I will never forget the way the health care professionals at Planned Parenthood treated me and I cry to this day when thinking about it. I am so grateful to have had my abortion and am so grateful that Planned Parenthood provided a safe place to carry out my procedure.

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