I fell in love with my baby as soon as I found out; I smiled, for the weirdest reason I’ll never understand. I was so happy and then when I came out of my fantasy world I realised what it meant and how I couldn’t have it, however I really enjoyed my time pregnant. I rubbed my belly all the time, loved going to scans to see my baby, going for blood tests to see how everything was all by myself when I usually have panic attacks at the thought of a blood test and I never felt alone with my baby. I felt like I had betrayed my relationship with my baby when I took the first pill tears instantly ran out of my eyes, I knew that was it. I felt like that was the obvious thing I had to do, although I really wanted it. I wasn’t in a relationship, studying, never planned this for my life and just not the time.. I’ve only just come out of a deep depression few years ago. I still go back and forth with regret but then knowing it was the right thing to do for the life I want, then I get angry at the world for having to study and get a job and then I come back to earth and realise reality.
It’s been a really crazy experience but I really miss my baby, and did when I was pregnant knowing what I was going to do. I like to talk about my baby, look at photos, I even got a candle printed out with my scan I secretly took a photo of.. people don’t understand and neither do I.. which makes the process a whole lot harder I feel crazy and like I’m attention seeking but I’m really not. I don’t necessarily regret it but I feel really sad and wish I didn’t get pregnant in the first place because as soon as I was pregnant I felt connected.
I think I just want to acknowledge the connection we had, and that my beautiful baby exists and how we’ll meet again and the baby understands but we’ll meet each other again. Maybe the complications made it more difficult, it was a lot longer of a process than the 90% of the time it goes well. I haven’t read any other stories like mine so thought I’d share mine it hopes of relating to someone or vice versa.
