Experiencing abortion… twice

by Anonymous

August 17, 2022

I remember when my sister had her abortion.. we sat in the doctors office waiting for results of her pregnancy test.  She cried.  That was her response to her pregnancy.  A few weeks later our mom and the verbally abusive bf.. accompanied her to the procedure.  She kind of disappeared a little after that.  It was during a fight that his statement “Well you killed my baby!” Had my sister moving back in. Flash forward 8 almost 9 years.. and she has a beautiful three year old daughter with her loving husband. I never wanted to go through what she went through.

And then comes October 2021. I had fallen head over heals in love with the person I decided I want “forever” with.  We had talked about a future. Marriage. A house. Pushing each other to succeed at work. And finally, kids. We also talked about the financial responsibility of my father, who had cancer. The eventual “adoption” of my sick mom when he passes. And the unstable state of his grandmother.

Despite being on consistent birth control, A pregnancy test, let’s be real, 6 pregnancy tests, confirmed I was pregnant. I was scared but also so in love with the idea of creating a little human with my partner. It was around Halloween and we walked through target joking about buying a crib, looking at teeny tiny Halloween costumes, and talking about this little thing growing inside me.   After a few days of this and going back and forth on what to do… we finally agreed that we did not have the bandwidth to raise a baby. It was a difficult but necessary choice that I still have no regrets about. I think my body knew the pregnancy was wrong for me. For the last 3 weeks of my 9 week pregnancy, I was taking anywhere from 4 to 10 trips to the bathroom to be sick. I basically rejected anything I wasn’t craving. And sometimes even cravings made me sick.  After the procedure I was so relieved. It felt correct.

We went on through Xmas, New years, and a lovely valentines day spent in the pacific north west.  I was waiting for my “March period” to come to have an IUD placed when a second pregnancy came instead.    This was a harder choice. 4 days after I found out I was pregnant again, my mom passed away. We debated this one for weeks. We played out all the scenarios and what could and couldn’t work. I decided I wanted another abortion.  At first I felt… embarrassed? And then I felt really sad. I waited the two weeks and then went in for my appointment.

I find myself, yet again, feeling a sense of relief. (And now with an IUD, so that eases some other stress! 😅)

One day I’m sure we will make beautiful children, or adopt them. But the timing of this was just not correct for us.  I am fortunate that these procedures exist and that it’s safe to get them in my state.

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