I’m being perfectly honest here, because it’s the only way to heal. By my early twenties, I had been through so many failed relationships. All I’ve ever wanted was someone to love and to love me in return. The other thing I’ve always wanted — was to settle down, be married, and be a mother. But it seemed I’d never find someone willing to take that path in life with me.
I met someone and we dated for several years. Of course, when we first met he catfished me into believing he was different from my past relationships, could help me heal, and would truly love me and support my dreams in life. Over time, I realized this wasn’t exactly true, but having been through so many failed relationships, I convinced myself that I “would not” give this one up or let it fail. It got to a point of such intense mental and physical abuse that I’m not sure I’ll ever fully heal from it. He used to tell me that he thought the only way I’d ever become “normal” was if I became a mom. Years later I thought, well maybe you’re right. And I quit taking my birth control and got pregnant. Twice. I honestly believed that the news would change him and me for the better. On the contrary, both ended in abortions due to his threats to kill me and the babies, to vanish, to never pay a dime towards the kids, so on and so forth.
At the time I was finishing up a great college degree and knew that if I had the child on my own, I would lose everything I had worked so hard for. I reluctantly went through with the abortions despite sitting in the clinic crying alone for hours, and doctors asking me if someone was forcing me to do this. I felt I had to lie and tell them “no.” To this day, I still shed tears over the losses of babies I wanted. I feel immense guilt and wonder what will happen to me when I die, if God will forgive me, and if the babies will wonder why I didn’t keep them. I promised myself I’d never do it again.
Fast forward three + years, I have met someone absolutely wonderful. We have two children together. We are getting married this year. We have great jobs and a heavenly eight acre farm. It’s everything I’ve ever wanted in life; a total dream come true. He is supportive and just everything I had begged and cried for in my younger years. He’s a wonderful dad — something I couldn’t have given the other two babies.
However, on this day, I am struggling with the same unbearable issue as the past. I have unexpectedly gotten pregnant at a very untimely point in our lives. We have a wedding coming up, and a one and a two year old who we love dearly but are plenty to take care of and don’t let us sleep much. Financially, we would struggle with a third child. Not to mention daycare is nearly impossible to come by and costs enough to break the bank. I suffered immense postpartum depression with both children and pregnancy was not easy, and I don’t feel ready to do it again so soon. We struggle at times to find time to commit to our relationship with each other, and feel a third child would put such strain on us that we may not stay together. I fear our other two young children who require so much attention would feel neglected.
I want to be a good mother more than anything. And yet, truly deep down in my soul I DO love this baby and would love to meet them. I DO wish things were different and we could keep them. I have cried countless tears over the difficulty of this decision. I am torn 50/50. I have let the pills sit in my car for a week, trying to navigate this decision alone. My hope is that whatever occurs after this life, I can be forgiven for needing to do what was best for my family. And that over the course of my life, I can forgive myself for being human. I’m grateful there are options, but for me it has been the most difficult decision of my life.
Mama DOES love you little baby, and I’m so sorry it wasn’t the right time. I hope I get to meet you someday, and that your soul goes somewhere beautiful.
Xoxo—
A person with a good heart and a hard choice to make.
