Even if he came through for me, he didn’t do the same for her

by Amanda

October 25, 2022

This is a different kind of abortion story because I wasn’t the one who had it.

A few months into dating my ex, we talked about Roe being overturned. He told me that one of his previous girlfriends had gotten an abortion in grad school. It was his. I didn’t know how to feel, but I was glad he was prochoice. I asked him questions like “How did she feel after?” “How was the recovery?” He told me he wasn’t too involved, so didn’t know the answer. He said it was all really hard on him, so he distanced himself from her to cope. At first I didn’t understand what he meant by that. But the more I pried, the more I learned that although he believes in abortion, he didn’t do much to help his girlfriend through hers. I was really upset, but he assured me he wouldn’t make that mistake again and that if I ever needed one, he’d be there for me every step of the way.

This reassured me a bit, but I couldn’t get the images of the other girl out of my head. I kept picturing her alone at Planned Parenthood and going through it without his help. He was willing to put in the work to get her pregnant, so why wouldn’t he do whatever he could to make sure she was taken care of and supported after it ended? When I asked him he said things like: “I could tell she didn’t want my help” and “She never asked me to come” and “I didn’t know what to do and didn’t want to make things worse”. I was disgusted by his lack of accountability and empathy.  He was making himself out to be the victim and meanwhile he hadn’t checked on her more than once since she’d had the procedure. He cared that it took, but he didn’t care about her mental or physical health during and after the recovery.

Meanwhile I was sharing a ton of abortion resources on social media and throwing information in my friend’s faces about what to do to aid and abet abortion. I felt like a hypocrite knowing that behind the scenes my boyfriend hadn’t even been a true ally.

I decided it wasn’t something I could forgive him for. Even if he came through for me, he didn’t do the same for her. When someone needed him, he cared more about himself. I couldn’t possibly accept this and still call myself a feminist. A few weeks later I broke up with him and started volunteering with my local chapter of Planned Parenthood. I know I made the right decision.

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