a child that came from abuse that would forever tie me to my abuser
I have had 2 abortions. I was in an extremely sexually and emotionally abusive relationship at the time of both. The first time, my boyfriend and I had went out for my 24th birthday and I drank too much to have sex with him that night. He was furious. I remember waking up the following morning and feeling like something was not right. I couldn’t remember a lot of the previous night, but could remember bits of crying and my ex on top of me. I ended things with him that day. I had a 2 yr old from a previous relationship and I felt like I needed to keep him and myself safe.
A few weeks later I missed my period and reached out to him. He told me he had assaulted me while I was drunk and passed out and didn’t pull out. He made it out like I had deserved the assault for not being able to give him my body when he wanted it. I was too afraid to report it even though I had text proof of him confessing to it being nonconsensual. A few weeks later, I showed up to take a test at his house. I was scared of him, but at the time I think I just needed the support. The test was negative, but I knew in my gut it was false. I was already 6 wks along and could recognize the symptoms from my first pregnancy with my son. I didn’t tell him this. He asked what I would do hypothetically if it was positive and I told him I couldn’t have a baby. He was furious. He was leaving shortly for a 5 year contract in the army and I was already a single mother of a toddler from a past relationship. I knew I didn’t have the mental or emotional strength to raise 2 on my own, but more so a child that came from abuse that would forever tie me to my abuser.
I took another test at work to be sure and made arrangements to get an abortion. I opened up to my son’s father for support but told no one else out of fear for my safety. My second abortion was after he had come home from basic training. He had made all these promises to go to therapy and work on himself to make things work for us. While having consensual sex, he purposely didn’t pull out. I was on the pill at the time but took a plan b pill just incase. He was furious at me for going to get a pill. It was apparent at that point that he had been purposely trying to get me pregnant to trap me into a relationship with him. The whole time he was home, I knew the relationship was dead and couldn’t wait for him to be back at base so I could feel free and safe again. I ended things for good when he left. Both of my birth controls failed and I was devastated I had to go through another abortion alone. The staff at the clinic I went to were so supportive and caring during both experiences and I am forever grateful to them. I have never regret my decision for abortion or to not tell him. I eventually went on to start therapy to work through the abuse I went through. I am relieved I am not tied to him but more so I am glad I didn’t have to tie my son or another child to this abuse.
