Empowerment with a side of guilt.

by lexa

September 8, 2020

At the very beginning of 2020, I got pregnant. (I found out it was in very early january from the ultrasound). I began having morning sickness and not being able to be around/smell certain foods and things without throwing up. I was very naive and just thought I was sick because all of my friends reassured me that I couldn’t be pregnant. this lasted for over a month, so I went to the doctor. obviously after listening to my symptoms, the first thing they did was a pregnancy test and that’s how I found out. I sobbed into the nurses shoulder as she hugged me and proceeded to call my best friend and boyfriend. once I knew, I grew very attached to this undeveloped fetus because I knew that’s why I couldn’t drink or use nicotine anymore. (my body rejected both as soon as the morning sickness started). but I finally worked up the courage to schedule my procedure for march 10th.

I was underage then (17) so I had to go to court the morning of, to prove I had the right to make the decision for myself. I was terrified in the clinic, and even though my boyfriend was with me and comforted me the whole time, it was still so difficult. neither the ibuprofen or local anesthetic worked for me since I’m a recovered addict, but I was afraid to ask for more, so I suffered through something a lot more painful than it had to be. afterwards I felt so many conflicting emotions. I was relieved, I was excited to be able to live my life normally again, I was riddled with guilt because of the connection I developed, I felt so sick. I was dizzy and felt like death but I was desperate to get back to the comfort of my boyfriend, and kind of embarrassed after watching girls come later and leave while I was still there, so I left the recovery room before I really felt ready. we had to take public transportation home, and with every bump I felt more sick to my stomach. as soon as we got off, I walked as fast as I could away from the other people and threw up in the grass.

for a few weeks I felt very sick; cramps, nausea, hot flashes, dizziness, and awful bleeding. I went back, afraid something had gone wrong, and once they checked out everything found out it was only a vaginal infection. i’ve spent the past months processing and recovering, it’s still hard on me and my body still isn’t the same, but I’m getting better every day.

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