Drugs, sadness and adoption

by Zoë

July 1, 2019

Content Warning: extreme post partum depression, physical abuse, addiction

I had a child at 21. I didn’t feel ready, it was an accident and I didn’t feel I was meant to be a mother. Me and his father loved each other but loved drugs more.  I had horrible post partum depression.  I wanted to hurt him sometimes and refused to hold him. It drove a huge wedge between me and his dad.

I had been an addict for 7 years by then. I got pregnant again before his first birthday.  I had been in jail for 3 days which messed up me taking the pill that month. Me and the father were separated by then. I was using dope heavily and was on probation.  I also worked doubles as a nurses aid to keep a roof over our heads. I was devastated.  I could not go through that again. I looked into adoption but I had no hope staying clean for 9 months. I had no health insurance.  There was no suboxone then and only one methadone clinic in the state at that time.

I had the abortion.  I felt so much better. I wound up having complications but still I never once regretted it.  This is what I regret: I got pregnant again soon after. I was using so heavily I missed all the signs.  I was 13 weeks. In Maine at that time you could not abort in the 2nd trimester.  Only in Massachusetts for thousands of dollars.  It wasn’t possible for me. I used the whole time, the whole 9 months. Wound up homeless with my 2 year old. The father threw me down the stairs and I left town that night to go to a DV shelter.  I wanted to give her up but family on both sides pressured me to keep her. I had her and it was terrible.  I could’t work which made me even more depressed.  I was still using. I hated my new baby. I regretted her everyday. I had no help. I wound up giving her up short of one year. She is raised by extreme Christians who teach her I’m bad because I’m an addict and don’t believe in god. I believe some woman are not meant to be mothers. And I’m not. I now am a year clean. I run a sober house for woman in Portland Maine. Its 14 years later and I don’t regret my abortion but I regret my pregnancy after.


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