Done having children.

In my 30’s, married, and financially stable. Never did I think I’d feel less prepared than I was at the age of 17 birthing my first son just days after my birthday. Or the unexpected pregnancy of my 2nd son mere weeks after meeting my now husband. It had been nearly 5 years since having my last child, my girl, the one that completed my heart. At first I was unsure if she was my last, but as time went on and they all became more independent, I discovered myself again and the new joy that comes with each stage of your child getting older. That’s when I knew I was truly done. The urge to have any more children gave me literal chills and not in a good way.

I had been been tracking my cycle for 5 years without any issues, but found myself missing a period and saw the words “pregnant” pop up. I knew we couldn’t do it. I couldn’t carry this baby. It just wouldn’t be fair to myself and my family, but most of all my children. I scheduled myself for a medical abortion. Everyone was extremely supportive and the whole thing, while very uncomfortable, was completed and confirmed to be successful. But my story doesn’t end here, even though it pains me to keep going.

I know, just months after what I thought would be my first and last abortion, I am yet again, pregnant. I thought I couldn’t possibly go through this again. How horrible of a person I am, I told myself. Then I began to think. Think about everything we have planned coming up. How we are finally going to go on that vacation and experience with the kids where everyone gets to have fun. That’s when I knew, as I grieved my future life ahead of myself with my family, that again I could not continue this pregnancy.

So, yet again I have my procedure booked. The relief honestly washed over me as soon as I got off the phone. Also knowing that I found out so early, at just 3 weeks and 5 days. It almost help me feel at ease too. I most definitely plan for this to be the last. Birth control and vasectomy will be done.

Please know you aren’t alone. As married women, we are pressured by society that if we’re married and financially stable, that we can handle just one more. But for many like myself, that’s just not true. You ultimately have to make the decision that is best for YOU.