Difficult choice.

by Anonymous

April 29, 2021

I found out I was 5 weeks and 5 days pregnant with my 4th child. I knew I could not do another pregnancy alone. I had all these plans now that my youngest is older and more independent. I had my job lined up. I just got a new car. Being pregnant just wasn’t in my plans. I would have to get a new place. A new car. All of my plans on hold once again. I wanted this child though. After I had my last child which was my first daughter, I wanted another one. Another little girl. I contemplated keeping it so many times. Like “what if I kept this baby. I know it will be very hard, but I’d somehow figure it out” then I’d say to myself “who am I kidding. I won’t have the money to raise another child. I cant just figure it out because where will I get the money. And what about all the plans I had for myself.” Then I knew I had to terminate.

I felt awful. And so so so guilty. I felt so ashamed going to my first appointment at planned parenthood. I felt that god would hate me. But then the night before I had a dream that god’s hands were on my stomach. Telling me it would be okay. To do what I needed to do. And that made me feel so much better about my decision. I still cried 10 oceans about it. This decision hurt my soul more than anything. My appointment went ok. The nurse was kind of rude. Like I get she’s done this a thousand times but it was my first time. I left with so many unanswered questions. She made me feel stupid for asking anything. But anyway. She did an US and saw only a sac. Said it was too early to see anything but to still go ahead with the process. I took the 1 pill. Went home felt light cramping. The next day I woke up and felt nauseated. I took 800mg ibuprofen and promethazine for nausea.

An hour later I took the 4 pills. Put 2 in each cheek. They were super chalky. The promethazine made me super tired so I took a nap. 3 hours later I felt a light gush of blood. I also had diarrhea. A lot of it. After that I laid back down. 2 hours later i started having cramps and a lot of bleeding. 4 hours of heavy bleeding. I went to the bathroom and had more diarrhea. After that I just sat there and then a blob came out. I was sure it was the sac and fetus. My bleeding became very light after that. I was still crampy but with light bleeding. Although I feel immense guilt and shame, this was the right choice for me at this time. I do not plan on having any more children. I feel so relieved I found this website where I can tell someone without being judged. I could never tell my family. This will be something I will carry in my heart forever.

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