I don’t think I made the wrong decision, but I do wish I hadn’t had to make it.

by Kaylee

December 16, 2017

Just about two years ago I had my abortion. I don’t think I made the wrong decision, but I do wish I hadn’t had to make it. My whole life I wanted to be a mommy, to raise a family. Then one day I find out I’m going to be a mommy, my first thought wasn’t oh no! What am I going to do? Or I don’t want to be pregnant or anything like that. My first thought when I saw the test and it said pregnant was time to figure out how to make this work. I was excited even though the situation was not ideal. After the shock wore off and I thought about it more and put my emotions aside, which I’m sure you can imagine was very difficult, I realized I was in no position to bring a life into this world no matter how much I longed to be a mommy. I had a crazy commute to work and I worked crazy long hours. I knew that I could probably find something closer to home and less crazy before I had the baby, but I didn’t want the stress of that to hurt the baby or my pregnancy.

I made the decision to have an abortion, it was the most painful choice I’ve ever made in my life. I couldn’t think about it without crying, thankfully I had my sister. She was and still is my biggest supporter. She didn’t push or try to sway me one way or the other. Without her I don’t think I could have done it. I tried so many times to call and setup the appointment but I couldn’t stop crying, she helped me with that. She took my information and made the call for me, she went to the appointment with me and even the follow up a few weeks later. I am thankful that I found out I was pregnant pretty early on and was able to do the medical abortion.

The day of the appointment I just felt numb, it didn’t seem real. Sitting in the room trying to listen to what the doctor was telling me was hard, I knew he was talking but I was in a haze. During the ultrasound he asked if I wanted to see and as much as I wanted to say yes I knew I couldn’t look. If I did I would change my mind, I know there wasn’t much to look at but that was my baby so I said no. The first round of pills was almost harder to take than the ones the next day, as soon as I swallowed them I knew there was no going back, there was no changing my mind. Fast forward 24hrs to the last set of pills that would finalize and get rid of the pregnancy.

It was a surreal experience. Nothing would have prepared me for not only the physical pain but the emotional pain I felt. All I wanted to do was sleep until it was over but the pain was too much, even with then pain medication. I couldn’t look at the toilet when I went to bathroom, I didn’t want to see what was in there. At this point I just wanted it to be over. I was physically and emotionally exhausted. I bled on and off for the next almost 2months. It was a constant reminder of what I went through. I wouldn’t say I regret my decision but I wish I hadn’t had to make it. I felt a lot of guilt about feeling guilty and sad. I thought who am I to grieve a decision I made that I didn’t have to medically make. To this day I think about my baby and what would be, I try not to but some days are harder than others. I did not feel empowered by my abortion but I felt thankful to live in a state where it was a non-issue.

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