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I occasionally think about the decision I’ve made but it’s always in a way of feeling like I made the right choice

by Anonymous

July 3, 2018

I grew up in a strict Catholic anti-abortion family. I started to fall away from the church when I was in high school and I realized by college that if I were to become pregnant, I wouldn’t continue the pregnancy. Luckily I didn’t get pregnant at that time, but just changing my mindset was a big step for me. I ended up meeting my future husband when I was 20 and he was 25. He had a young daughter from a previous relationship and we talked about having more kids together but waited until we were married and I was 24, and we had a planned pregnancy. I can honestly say that I hated being pregnant even though I wanted it and I was overjoyed when my daughter was born. But pregnancy was so full of feeling sick, feeling like my body wasn’t my own at all. I was exhausted, depressed, and it was a lot of work carrying a baby to term. When my daughter was born I experienced exhaustion like I never had before, and having a newborn actually put an unexpected strain on my marriage.

 

A year later life was finally getting easier, I was finding a good routine, my daughter was sleeping through the night a lot better, I had finally lost all the pregnancy weight, and I had returned to college to finish my degree. And then my period was late. At first I didn’t think much of it but then I decided to get a test just for peace of mind. When it came up positive I just broke down into ugly sobbing. I called my husband at work and his first reaction was that we’d figure it out and it would be okay. I just kept saying over and over they I didn’t want to be pregnant. I couldn’t imagine doing pregnancy over again, having another baby when we could only barely afford the two children we already had. Luckily my husband is pro-choice and told me that he supported my decision either way. I was inbetween insurance and had to wait a week to even schedule my appointment and then another week for it to happen. I felt so completely sure when I went in though that this was the right choice for me and for my family. The nurse I saw was incredibly nice and non-judgemental. She told me I could have it done there or I could take the pills at home and have a miscarriage at home basically. I chose to go with the home route and I feel like it was right for me. My husband was by my side for support and the process itself wasn’t as horrible as I had always imagined. I felt cramping and I passed a lot of clumpy blood into the toilet but it didn’t last too long and then it was done. I did have to wear a pad and I bled for a week or two after that but it was just like having a period. When it was over my first reaction was relief. I did struggle with some guilt, but it was mostly the thought of “what if my family found out??” and that subsided over the years. Today I am a proud college graduate. My kids are happy and well-cared for and my marriage is great, and we both feel that we are done having kids. I occasionally think about the decision I’ve made but it’s always in a way of feeling like I made the right choice. I couldn’t imagine how much harder my life would be right now if I had another child to care for.

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