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…it has been one of the hardest, or the hardest decision I have made in my life.

by stephany

April 11, 2018

At the moment I am twenty-two years old. I have decided to speak up about a subject that has been tearing me apart for a while.

Two weeks, it has been two weeks since I had an abortion. I was almost three months at the moment. But I will guide you through those 3 months starting from the moment I found out.

It had been so many days I felt sick in the mornings, all I craved was sweets and I am usually more of a salty person. Chips, popcorn those sort of things. I never put two and two together until one day, well.. More like for a couple days, I could barely let the water hit my breast because they were absolutely sore. I thought,” Oh, I am probably going to get my period soon.” It never came. Then I started getting a dry mouth, all the time. No matter how much water I would drink I was still thirsty. And if you look up, “symptoms of pregnancy.” being thirsty won’t be one of them. So I didn’t worry, until it got to the point that I put all those symptoms I was feeling together and told myself I was going to get a pregnancy test. And there I was, in the bathroom floor 10 minutes before my shift at work starts…

Positive.

Now what? I called my best friend crying, I did not know what to feel. Was I supposed to be happy?  Could I be working? How long have I been pregnant? So many things ran through my mind in such little time I could barely breathe, I felt dizzy, If I felt bad before now I am honestly about to pass out. I calmed down and my boyfriend worked in the same place as me. I told him, he was freaked out but still gave me a kiss and said everything was going to be okay. Thankfully, He was the right man to go through this with. But I will talk about that later on.

Now there it is, the sleepless nights, the nausea and hunger, it all makes sense now. I started to see the difference in my body. I was growing way more hair, and my nails were so strong, I had never seen that before. Almost as if I was mutating but no.. There was someone growing inside of me, and they were making me stronger. Strong enough to make sure he’d be ok. I always said He when I would talk about him. A Mother always knows right? For a whole month, we did not know what to do. Our lives, our job, everything would change if we had this baby. We did not have our own place, we can barely even pay for our cars and take care of ourselves. How do we take care of another human being when we can barely keep up with our lives? Of course, we talked about how we would try to figure it out if we did have him. I would move mountains, he would work even more than he already does but we are already exhausted. I couldn’t imagine how it would’ve been later on. Of course I am feeling him inside of me, I can’t feel his heart beat, or feel him move. But I can feel him in my veins, when I sleep, when I wake up. I feel him every time I eat, I felt him every single day of my life. I wasn’t alone, he was always there. So some days I thought, it would be okay, no matter what. If other people could do it, why can’t we? I’d imagine myself holding him and having awesome family trips going to Disney and the beach. I’d imagine him being such a great father, because I know he would. Mind you, I also thought about my capability to be a great mother. I am insecure about some things in my life, things I still have to get over, so thinking I would have a child and still have those dark thoughts in the back of my head scared me a little bit. My boyfriend would say, we need to grow ourselves, we need to be better for our kid. And he was right.

We were back and forth about having him so much. Some days we would say we can, and then we’d go right back to the,” but should we?”

To whoever has gone through this, I can speak for a lot of us and say that it has been one of the hardest, or the hardest decision I have made in my life. Specially after knowing he was there, he was there for 3 months and I let him go. I wanted to give him the best life he could have, and right now.. We can’t. At first I would tell my boyfriend I was scared, because it was as if we were killing him, without giving him the chance to live. But what kind of life was I going to give him when I  don’t even have my own place. What If I couldn’t pay for his clothes? What if we run out of food and now he’s not getting good nutrition. What if he gets sick and I can’t take him to the hospitals? All those things matter so so so much. It’s not just about having him, is taking care of him and giving him everything. Keeping him healthy and warm, showing him that life is beautiful. We couldn’t do that at the moment. So I had to go through with it.

The day before the appointment  I couldn’t sleep. I kept touching my stomach, I prayed to God to forgive me for what I was going to do. It was the right thing, I knew in my heart that it was. Not even for me but for him or her..

March 23rd, an angel was sent to heaven. One that will look after my boyfriend and I. I want to say sorry for not being able to keep you. Maybe I should’ve been stronger or I should’ve just done it without looking back. But I had to let you go baby. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. My heart is broken. I think about it every day. It is something that will stick with me, something I will pray for all the time. We love you, we love you even though we don’t have you.

And to whoever is afraid to make this decision, don’t be. If you feel it, if you think this is what is right at the moment in your life, do it. There’s no exact reason why, sometimes the timing isn’t right. And there is nothing we could do about it.

I will forever remember you, you have changed me. Now next time this happens, I will be ready.

I promise you.

Remember that our stories are ours to tell. We’d love to hear your story too!