Deciding Whether To Have My 5th…

by Alexandra

February 9, 2021

In 2014, I had my first abortion when I was 19 and in college. I was in a new city and with someone I knew I definitely wouldn’t be with for the rest of my life. I chose to move forward with my abortion, told my parents, and we went to the doctor so I could get a surgical procedure as I was 10 weeks. I was depressed for some time, but I think because I was so young and knew I wasn’t ready for a kid I got over it quickly and moved on with my life.

Fast forward to 2015 I get into a relationship with my current boyfriend. I have an abortion Senior year of college – 2015. Still not ready I was able to move past this fairly quickly. But then, accidents kept coming and I started to feel the weight of them all at once. We both moved to New York after college and lived there for four years. I continued to have 2 more abortions in that time – Fall of 2017 and Spring 2018.

Now I’m in January 2021 deciding if I should have my 5th and this time feels different. My last abortion was in 2018 when I was 23 years old. I’m now 26. We’ve been in a loving relationship for 6 years, but somehow it just still doesn’t feel like time yet. I’m going back and forth on my decision because I feel like I could honestly handle it now, but still is that the best decision for us? I’m worried I’ll feel guilty if I go through with it. In the past year I can’t even tell you how many times my parents have said “oh if you get pregnant at this age please don’t get an abortion, you’ll be fine, we’ll all work it out.” That’s amazing and all, but only adds extra guilt. In making this decision I can’t help but think about my family.

I’m purposely not telling anyone I’m pregnant because I don’t want them to judge if I move forward with my 5th. It would definitely break my parents’ heart. I also have this worry that if I have too many abortions I won’t be able to have kids anymore. Does anyone else feel this way? It scares me. I feel like I’m playing with the value of life and God will take away my rights at any minute – but that’s probably me just being dramatic.

I’m 5 days late so I know I’m only about 3-4weeks pregnant, very early, but I took two tests so it’s a sure thing. I’ve talked to my boyfriend and we both agreed we could of course make it work, but still not sure if we’re ready. We want to be able to live life as a young couple, get married, travel, establish careers a bit more then have kids. Is that so bad? It’s our decision right?

It’s just harder because I made a promise to myself that after 4 abortions I wouldn’t go through with another. Even got a tattoo and all. Like me breaking this promise to myself feels cowardly.

I don’t know I’m just really confused and lost. I hope whatever I decide I feel it’s the best decision later on.

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