Cut the shame

by Anonymous

January 10, 2020

I had my first termination two years ago. I had just finished uni and secured a great job, had (and still do have) the most amazing partner I could ask for but we both knew we were in no way ready or financially stable enough to provide the life we wanted for our child.

The process was long for me. Being in Australia, we are lucky to have access to termination facilities and clinics, however I had no idea what I needed to do beforehand.

Finding a GP to confirm the pregnancy and order an ultrasound was very difficult. Time and time again I was told “sorry we don’t deal with that here” or “that doctor doesn’t do that”. While I understood people are free to have their opinions, I felt very judged. And then the shame hit. I was ashamed. Ashamed this happened to me, ashamed I now had to go through this process and ashamed that my first pregnancy was at the wrong time.

As I was under 10 weeks I was able to have a medical termination from home. A friend dropped icy poles to me for hydration and I spent the day crying, vomiting and bleeding whilst eating all 24 icy poles and watching Sex and the City.

I won’t lie, I resented my partner for a while. Why did I have to go through this pain and he gets to go on like life is normal? I felt like he didn’t understand what I had just done and gone through. This was selfish of me, and anyone reading this – don’t do that.

Fast forward to now. It’s NYE and I have just found out I’m pregnant… again. It’s still not the right time… again. So I am starting the process all over again. I have never felt so ashamed and embarrassed in my entire life. How does this happen twice? Am I irresponsible? Am I stupid?

I started googling second terminations and the feeling of shame and found a story from this website. It was so comforting knowing I wasn’t alone, and that I don’t need to be ashamed. I’m still me. My partner and I are still together and he is just amazing. We know one day we will have kids, but to do that now wouldn’t be beneficial for anyone. I’m not done setting my life up yet and even though I’m almost 27, that’s okay.

When I’m ready I’ll be ready. I hope if anyone reads this you find comport in knowing your feelings aren’t something to be ashamed of. Talk to people, write, seek help and support. It doesn’t matter if it’s your first or fifth – your right to choose is still there and it’s YOUR right.

Remember that our stories are ours to tell. We’d love to hear your story too!