Courage

I felt that I was pregnant days before I tested positive. Something wasn’t right and I felt how my body changed and I really felt uncomfortable with it…I didn’t feel like myself anymore. The morning I did the test I felt my heart beat so strong and fast – I was so scared, and I was so sure I was pregnant. The second the test went positive I went numb. I didn’t feel anything. i was in shock. My best friend organised everything, the doctors visits for the day. I knew I didn’t want to have a baby. Right away something in my stomach told me it’s not the right thing to do. My partner cried, he wanted to have a child so badly. and I felt responsible for his sadness even thought I knew it was my decision to make. I was in Germany, he was in the United States, we couldn’t even be together during this time. I told the doctor I want an abortion and I had to plan everything. Feelings of doubt crept in, but that was my head telling me things like “you’re already 26, your family would support you, your partner wants the baby…” and so on. It wasn’t my gut feeling. A few days after I tested positive I woke up and I was never so sure in my life: I am not ready for a child. I didn’t have any more doubts, I knew what my intuition told me from the beginning. I never regretted my decision. When my partner and I split months later due to other reasons, I sometimes asked myself what role my decision for the abortion played in this. But I know I wouldn’t have wanted it otherwise. When the abortion was done I feel so relieved, I finally slowly began to feel like myself again. I want to feel happiness and excitement when I’m pregnant, not fear and sadness. I still have so many plans and dreams I need to do. For myself. And I can do that now. I feel liberated and free and I hope every woman finds the courage to follow her heart.