Coming through the other side

by L

January 30, 2020

I never thought I’d be writing about this. But I hear it helps you confront your feelings and maybe help you get past them. My body and mind has changed since becoming pregnant. I can deal with not liking the smell or taste of bacon as much anymore, or putting on weight from eating tons of pringles or smarties. But I am struggling to deal with the guilt.

My ordeal started in November 2018, from a miscarriage that I didn’t realise I was going through, to an abortion in January 2019. A mishap by the doctor changing my pill and not advising me to carry on instead of having a week’s break. I don’t blame anyone for my problems, they are mine to deal with. I have a great family who supported my decision either way, but it was left to me. I had a great friend who told me what to expect, however, the one person I looked to for support was not there for me. My boyfriend. He’s a good guy. But he just wasn’t there for me when I needed it. Instead he ran to his mum, and who, in turn said nasty things about me behind my back. I understand the need to protect your children, but with her working as a nurse for infants and women who have just gone through pregnancy, I thought better from her. Instead I got called heartless and that I didn’t really love him, all for a few texts from me to him, giving him the choice to come home and help me through this or not, I can and will do it on my own if I needed to. And when he said he wouldn’t come home that night, I simply replied he had made the wrong choice.

A good, strong, healthy relationship would of had both of us crying and arguing and deciding together. But I was alone. I sat there, unable to eat for the past few days due to the nausea, trying to revise for my final year’s exams at university and contemplate the future of both myself, the baby and the guy who wasn’t there for me. The next morning he came with flowers, I couldn’t cope with how he thought flowers could help me through being abandoned. In the end I went to the abortion clinic, with my mum and him, but I was the one who walked through the doors alone. I alone took the tablets that decided it wasn’t the right time for anyone, for this baby to come into the world. I couldn’t look after a baby, finish university, care for my mum and deal with a man who didn’t want a baby or would not support me during that time. So there it is, my story. I’m writing this as the years coming up to the day of my abortion. And I’m still going through all the feelings, guilt mainly and the what ifs plague me. I had a dream a few months after, which did not help my mental state. I dreamt of having a little girl who was smart, beautiful and with an attitude that would match my family. But then I woke up and although I felt sad, I felt relieved. I will have that one day, when the time is right.


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