One night, 5 years ago my whole world changed. I was sexually assaulted after a night out at the bar. I was so uneducated about sex that I truly thought it was my fault and didn’t understand consent or why I felt the way I did. I spent the following two months in a blur.

I realized it had been awhile since I’d gotten a period. I assumed everything was fine, I was probably just stressed but when I started having morning sickness, I decided to take a pregnancy test. It was positive. I was so confused and in so much shock. I had been on birth control and had missed a few pills but had also taken the morning after pill. I really could not believe it. I went to the doctor and she confirmed I was pregnant. I was devastated.

I was raised very Christian and in my mind abortion wasn’t an option, I was very against it, and I couldn’t fathom it.

But I also could not fathom giving my baby up for adoption. And I also couldn’t fathom keeping it, and raising it alone while trying to heal from the assault. And I couldn’t fathom risking resenting the baby and not giving it the life it deserved. So I made the what seemed “unfathomable” choice, to terminate.

Afterwards, I felt complete relief. I also felt so empowered that I had taken back my body after such a huge violation. I didn’t regret my choice at all. Yet, I still struggled for a long time with it. I felt shame. I felt so much anger towards the world. I felt sad about having been in that situation. I ended up suffering from panic attacks, ptsd and depression.

If I ever shared about my abortion, I always added in the part about the rape because I felt like people were more accepting of abortion in that case. Even though, there were many reasons I chose to not keep it. Ultimately, I was not ready to be a mom.

Fast forward 5 years, It’s been an extreme healing journey. I have become an entirely different person. I’ve accepted what’s happened and even feel blessed by it because it has made me who I am. I recently turned 30 and was feeling like the endless painful chapter has subsided in my life. I decided to remove my IUD for different health reasons, and was planning to give my body a break from birth control and track my cycle.

I wound up spending time with a man who ended up being very wrong and unhealthy for me.  I thought I was being careful, and eventually broke it off, but apparently not soon enough. I soon realized I was late for my period. Lo and behold, I was pregnant.

I had always told myself after the first abortion I would never ever “let myself” end up in that position again….even though I hadn’t ever let myself. Somehow, there I was. I had previously judged others who had more than one abortion, and even sometimes their reasoning for choosing an abortion, even though I myself had had one. Finally I understood, there are a million situations people find themselves in that leads to an unwanted pregnancy, and just because you’ve chosen abortion once doesn’t mean you can’t choose it again.

I really did consider keeping it.  I even got a bit excited and bought prenatal vitamins and started pinning nursery decor. But, I realized, even though I *could* do it, I didn’t *want* to.

I was finally on such a good path in my life, finally so happy, making career, health and financial goals. I didn’t want to give that up. I didn’t want to suddenly have to suffer through a pregnancy, and then through motherhood. I didn’t want to do it alone. I also didn’t want to be stuck with having this toxic man in my life.  I didn’t want to resent a child or not be able to provide for it the way I wanted to. I wanted to have a child with someone who wanted to do it with me and who loved me. I want children and to start a family so badly, but not under these circumstances.

So after much deliberation, I chose to get an abortion *again*. I was worried I would be a mess, that I would regret it or judge myself and that the mental health issues would all resurface and I’d struggle again. But actually, It’s been two months now and I have zero regret or guilt. I am more calm, assured and at peace than I’ve ever been.

I feel so blessed that I was able to have the opportunity to choose what is best for my body, life and for my future family.